Choose one of the following transportation vehicles and explain why you think it has changed people's lives. Automobiles, bicycles, airplanes. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
If my late-grandfather had been alive, he would have been surprised to find that I was in America yesterday, but I am here in Korea today. This is because of the invention of airplanes. Due to airplanes, people can not only go anywhere in on the Earth in a day, but also know a variety of cultures and society. My opinion can be greatly substantiated by the reasons addressed below.
First of all, airplanes help the Earth become a multi-cultural society. In other words, as people can know various cultures in the world by boarding airplanes and getting other countries there, they turn into more inclusive when it comes to cultures. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 '다른 문화에 대해 알 수 있게 된 것'의 구체적인 내용을 설명한다면 더 좋겠습니다. 비행기의 발명 이전에도 다른 나라의 문화를 접할 수는 있었지만, 비행기의 발명 이후로 비약적으로 문화의 이해가 발달할 수 있었던 부분을 강조해서 제시한다면 논지를 더욱 강화할 수 있겠지요. 문장을 더하는 것이 아니라 몇가지의 키워드만을 더하더라도 내용을 강조할 수 있습니다. 예를 들어 '직접' 가서 접함으로써, 혹은 '상대적으로 거리나 시간의 부담이 적고 편하게' 갈 수 있다는 식의 키워드를 보완할 수 있겠습니다. For example, when my grandfather was young, there were was no transportation which helped people go other countries on in the Earth. in the earth는 "땅 속에"라는 느낌이 더 강합니다. on the Earth가 "지구상에"라는 뜻을 더 잘 전달합니다. He even could not imagine that there were other societies than Korean society. The advent of airplanes changed this conception totally. Now, I often visit the United Stated for business trip, or go to Greece for sightseeing. This kind of experience makes me know a lot of societies and cultures which are different from Korea. Furthermore, being familiar with exotic cultures helps people become have specific value, 'inclusiveness', which is indispensable to live harmoniously with others. Boarding airplanes, getting other countries, and experiencing numerous various things around the world, which are fantastic and invaluable human achievement in history.
Second, airplanes boost economic integration, as they play a pivotal role as a fast transportation. To put it another way, delivering many kinds of products by using airplanes can integrate many economic spheres into one and facilitate economic activities. Many economists argue that airplanes have helped the world to become more correlated with each other. 주제에 알맞은 주장과 설명입니다. According to the study conducted by Hawai University research team, economic inter-dependance between the United States and China became strengthened owing to airplanes' fast transportation help. As airplanes can deliver lots of products between them quickly, both countries no longer focus on what they have a their comparative disadvantage. For example, China which has a cheap labor makes clothes and exports export them to the United States, whereas America US which has a high technology skill concentrate concentrates on IT products and export exports them to China, using airplanes as a main method to exchange products. This mutual interaction makes them together and helps to achieve economic integration. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 사례입니다. 구체적인 내용도 잘 풀어주셨습니다. 주어-술어 수일치 부분만 유의해주세요.
All things considered, airplanes have transformed our modern society dramatically, from the point of economy as well as from the view of culture. This change will continue in parallel with the improvement of airplanes.
전반적으로 논리적인 흐름이 잘 드러난 좋은 답안입니다.
몇 가지 문법오류 수정을 거쳐서 모델에세이로 올리시는 것도 다른 분들에게 많은 도움이 될 것 같네요^^
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task / 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation / 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details / 일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence / 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety / 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity의 여섯가지 항목이 주로 채점의 기준으로 사용되니 참고하세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 필승님 화이팅!