Some people think that older people enjoy life as same amount as young people do. However, in my opinion, it is impossible for older people to enjoy life more than young people do because old people don't (do not으로 풀어 쓰는 것이 좋아요.) have enough energy like young people and there are not many places for older people. 이제 writing 시작하신 거 맞나요? 잘 쓰셨어요. 의견을 정확히 표현했고 이유도 간단 명료하게 써놨어요.
To begin with, to enjoy their lives, people need some energy to do activities and often old people are have lack of the energy. For example, my grandmother have has always been a big fan of hiking. When I was little, I remember her going out everyday for hiking. But as I grow up, she got older and she doesn't go hiking anymore. She said she doesn't have energy for that. So she mentions told me that to do what I want when I have need youth and energy to do it. Paragraph의 마무리로 topic과 연결시켜주시면 좋아요. 예를 들어--나이 드신 분들은 힘이 없기 때문에 어린 아이들보다 인생을 즐기기 어렵다.—라고 쓰시면 좋아요.
On top of that, in our society, there are not many places to go for elderly. A lot of places for fun are targeting young people and are designed for the taste of young people. So even if older people go there, they will feel uncomfortable and won't (will not) like the menu, design, and atmosphere. So if elder people left home to go somewhere and to have fun, it won't (will not) be easy for them to find a place to make themselves home happy (or fun).
To sum up, I think young people's energy and our social atmosphere allowed allows young people to enjoy life more than older people can. In this regard I believe that young people enjoy life more than older people.
에세이가 잘 정돈되어있고 정확하게 to the point로 이야기하고 있어요. 잘 쓰셨습니다. 좀 아쉬운 점은 length에요. 더 길게 쓸 수 있게 노력하세요. 두 번째 이유에 example을 하나 주는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. Conclusion paragraph에도 의견을 support하는 이유를 1~2문장을 더 붙여주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요. 수고하셨습니다.