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Today, people's life is much longer than it was used to. Thanks to the advanced medical technology, people's average life length is incredibly increased. However, this also causes some problems to society. Most old people don't have jobs, so they can't earn money they have to use. Although this kind of problems are happening, I don't think companies should employ people for their entire life.
First of all, hiring people for their whole life-time is not efficient. There's no doubt that old people can't work as well as young people do. When the employees gets old, they can't do the jobs which need (선행사가 jobs 이기 때문에 복수형으로 써주시는게 좋습니다.) needs strength, and if they get (주어가 they인 복수이니까 동사도 복수형태로써주세요.) gets even older, they can't read, write or use things quickly. They may even make some critical mistakes. 여기서 예시를 꼭 써주셔야한다고 생각이듭니다... (더욱더 설득력이 있으려면 그렇게 가줘야해요. 지금의 글로서는 설득력이 높지않아요. fact만 줬지 progress outcome이 없어요.) Since using young workers can prevent this, so hiring people for their whole life is not very wise decision for companies. So는 절대로 쓰지말아주세요...에쎄이에선 so , but으로 문장연결 안합니다.
Moreover, the companies can't expect what will happen to old workers. Many old people are not as healthy as most young people, so there's much more chance to have diseases for old workers than young ones. When they become ill, they can't work. If they have some important works, then it will be a big problem. More importantly, the companies should give them money even though they can't work until they become healthy. It can be a waste of money for companies. (토픽이 위에 있는 토픽과 많이 겹친다고 생각이 들어요. 왜냐하면 위에도 늙은 사람들과 연관지어서 쓰시는데... 결국엔 하나로 겹쳐요.)
To sum up, hiring the employees for their whole life can be a inefficient and dangerous choice for companies. Their lack of physical abilities and bad health can cause many problems which is very bad for the company.
Comment: 일단 토픽에서 중요한점은, 끝까지 고용하느냐, 짜르느냐 입니다. 여기서 문제될점은 바로 이겁니다. 안짤리는거 알기 떄문에 일을 적극적으로 안한다 <- 이부분이요 이부분을 살려서 본론을 한번써보셨으면 좋겠습니다. 그때제가 꼭 첨삭해드릴게요. 좀더 주제를 구체적으로 바라봐주셨으면 합니다 . 수고하셨어요 ^^ |