▶ Your Answer :
These days, Koreans are obsessed by/with smartphone. Looking inside a subway, at least half of people are fidgeting with smartphones, playing games, texting and even studying. Although there are numerous factors that make the past more comfortable, such as less competition and better environmental condition, I still strongly believe that it is much easier to live today than in the past for two major reasons: things are much easier to accomplish with the help of technology(,) and improved transportation system has made people's daily lives cozier. (아주 clear 하게 인트로 잘 정리하셨습니다!!!)
First of all, the advent of numerous technologies has not only improved people's life standard, but it also gave easier way to finish a task than before. It is obvious that most of people today have basic appliances at home that do all the work for them. (글을 further explain 할 수 있는 두 가지 포인트가 분명하게 나왔습니다. 이제 이것들을 활용하셔서 설명만 잘 하시면 되겠습니다!) All The only thing that people need to do is simply to push a the work needed is just a push of button to clean their house, wash dishes and do a laundry. I cannot emphasize enough how much this advanced technology has benefited housewives and single moms. According to a statistic conducted by the Ministry of Labor of Korea in 2010, housewives' leisure time has increased by 5 hours than a decade ago. This implies that, with many house appliances, housewives have their own time to spend on more enjoyable activities. (객관적인 자료도 적절하게 잘 들어갔습니다!)
Moreover, improvement of transportation system has made people's traveling time more comfortable and less tiring. Even in the most rural side of Korea today, it is easy to find a bus stop in short walking distance that brings people to a subway station. The invention of car, bus(,) and other transportation were revolutionary(,) because it led to more connection and communication among families and friends. Not only that, it provided people with opportunities, which were barred before due to distance barrier. For instance, my grandfather told me that he had to wake up at 5 and walk four miles for in two hours to get to the school everyday. Nowadays, it takes less time and effort to get to school because of the elaborate transportation system. 불필요한 콤마의 사용만 줄이시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
Advancement in both technology and transportation system has allowed people to enjoy their lives more. For these reasons, I agree with the premise that life is much more comfortable place to live today than in the past.
깔끔하게 잘 쓰셨습니다! 수고하셨습니다~ 좋은 결과 있으시길 바랍니다! ^^ |