▶ Your Answer :
It is generally accepted truth that everyone takes care of their family. But, the only difference is time because consuming their family varies from person to person. (I do not understand what you mean. What do you mean by “time”? do you mean schedule? Please use proper noun!! ^^) Some people believe that people living in cities care their family members more than those living in rural areas. This is because cities have useful facilities for people(,) and also they can educate their children/kids tend their kid’s education sufficiently. In spite of that, I am in favor of the idea that it is better to take care of members of family in rural areas. There are two reasons : Men can pay more attentions to family due to a little culture facilities. And men do not need to live apart from family. (인트로 전체적인 내용과 두번째 문장은 연결이 잘 안되네요. Time 과는 상관없이 도시냐 지역이냐가 이번 토픽의 핵심인 것 같네요.)
First, people in rural area persons can put much more attention/ have an attention to family because they spend much more time in house. There are few utilities in urban areas. (적절한 단어를 선택하신 것인지 다시 한번 점검하시길 바랍니다. Urban 은 rural 과 반의어입니다.) In other word, in countryside it is hard to seek facilities which people can enjoy with their friends or others. Therefore people return to home early. Then they spend most of rest time a day with family in house. And next, they can have a diner together and talk and do own activities. On the other hand, in city, various facilities make people to use them. And thus, after finishing their works, they would go to theaters, shopping mall and other entertaining places etc. which make them eventually they should spend have the most of time in outside.(문장을 조금 정리하실 필요가 있습니다., 시골에서의 삶이 더 강조되도록 구체적으로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Secondly, whereas some people in cities live apart from their family due to cause small narrow spaces and higher cost (whereas 의 이끌림을 받는 문장이 하나 완성됐고, 이와 대조되는 문장이 나와줘야 하는데 없습니다. 보충 해주세요.). (이 곳에는 앞 문장을 support 해 줄 수 있는 문장이 오면 좋겠습니다. 처음부터 문단의 구성을 “도시에서는 가족들이 함께 모여살기가 어렵다” 이것은 왜냐하면 비싼 주택가격 때문이다. 이런 식으로 잡으시고 further explain 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Generally, most people living in cities cannot afford house which is big enough to live with all family members housing fee is pretty higher prices. So if people want to buy large house, they cannot afford to do it. In the end, they are willing to separate from each other. Although in rural areas, relatively housing cost is less. On the other hand, house price in rural area is much cheaper Also there are a lot of wide lands. And then, it is extended enough to live together there. To take my cousin’s example, she had have to buy an apartment where her family stays which she and her husband dwell. She and her husband wanted to live in Seoul he wants to seek for an apartment in Seoul. However it costs too much. However, So they decided to purchase house in countryside of Seoul due to its high price in Seoul. They could get bigger house with same price to apartment they saw in Seoul After all, they purchase a house where it is big enough to accommodate . it is same costs compared with cities’ costs.
문단의 논리적 구성을 위해 조금 더 노력하셔야 할 것 같고, 더불어서 문법 공부도 함께 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 적절한 예시와 통계 자료 등을 사용해주시면 더 좋을 것 같구요~ 수고하셨습니다! |