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People had been getting elder people’s advices whenever they faced variety of problems. (굳이 시제를 이렇게 하실 필요가 있을까요? People are used to ask some advices to the old whenever they have variety of problems ) Therefore, it is great worth to discuss whether grandparents’ advice is useful for grandchildren or not. Although some people think that grandparents’ advice is always useful as they have live longer and experienced a lot more than grandchildren, I think grandparents’ advice rather causes conflict in modern society. (근거가 하나밖에 제시되지 않았네요?) In this essay, I will dearly show and develop what I think and why I think this way.
First of all, modern day’s grandchildren can get advices from variety of media. (미디어 기술이 발달했다던지 정보 통신 기술이 발달했다던지 등 왜 variety of media 에서 충고/조언을 얻을 있는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다.) It does not take genius to know that unlike grandparents who had to get advices from their parents, grandparents or teachers, modern day’s students know how to get advices and information from various media that provide all sort of information from different people around the world. Therefore, modern students do not need grandparent’s advice since they can get a lot of advices from various people through the media. Here is a trust worthy research to illustrate the point. According to the KRI, the most famous research institution in Korea, 70 percent of modern day’s students get advice from internet rather than grandparents. This research demonstrates that modern day’s grandchildren are more accustomed with getting advices from media than grandparents. (정확하게 조언을 하는 데 있어서 media 가 어떻게 이용되고 있는지에 대한 언급도 없습니다. 예를 들어, 청소년들의 고민이 들어나면서 (특정분야를 예로 들 수도 있겠군요~) 온라인상으로 상담을 해주는 사이트가 늘어나고 있다던가 등의 직접적인 관련이 있는 이야기들을 다뤄주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Second of all, grandparents’ advices rather cause conflict between grandparents and grandchildren. Generally speaking, generation gap between grandparents and grandchildren is getting bigger and bigger as the society develops more rapidly. Grandparents’ generation had their own trend when they were young and grandchildren has very different trend as the society develop drastically. (시대가 변하고 세대가 변하면서 서로를 이해하지 못하는 것들이 많아졌다 등을 강조해주면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Therefore, grandparents’ good intended advice could rather cause conflict since grandparents’ perspective of world and grandchildren’s perspective of world are different. Here is my friend’s experience to clarify the point. My friend, Sarah, who has a lot of interest in machinery lives with her grandparents. Her grandparents’ always concern on her health since she was looking at the computer all the day. Hence, they told advice her not to not use the computer look at the computer too long as it is not good for health. However, she cannot understand why her grandparents always block her to develop her computer skill, which is important for her to be competitive person in modern life. (컴퓨터를 오래 하지 말라는 것이 어떤 문제를 직면했을 때 구하는 “조언” 이라고 할 수 있을까요?) She decided not to talk with her grandparents after they had kept saying it After several advices from her grandparents, she does not talk to her grandparents anymore. This example shows that how grandparents who have totally different perspective of the world’s advice could cause conflict.
In conclusion, I think grandparents’ advice is not useful for grandchildren. It is not only because grandchildren could get a lot of advices from the media but also grandparents who have different perspective of world’s advice could cause conflict from grandchildren
부끄부끄님~ 글 잘 읽고 있습니다. 항상 독립형 쓰실 때 기억하셨으면 하는 것은 본론에서 처음 두 문장을 어떻게 잡느냐가 굉장히 중요하다는 점입니다. 본인의 입장을 충분히 지지할 수 있는 근거와 그 근거를 도와주는 보충설명이 제대로 잡히면 뒤에 나오는 내용들은 그 두 문장을 prove 해주는 방향으로만 서술해주시면 되거든요~ 더 직접적인 예시과 관계가 깊은 객관적인 자료를 사용해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |