A person's childhood is more important for the development of intellectual ability in his or her entire life than any other period.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many peole beleive that teenage is the most important time in one's life for developing intellectual ability for some reasons. Although I admit its advantages, I strongly beleive that childhood is more important for inhancing intellectual capability than any other period. The reasons are that it is easy to acquire knowledge and that one's habit and characters are formed in childhood. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To begin with, children childrens are very easily obtain new information. That is, they are curious about what they see aroud them and ready to acquire information directly. 이것이 결과적으로 어린시절이 지적능력 형성에 더 중요하다는 내용과 어떻게 이어지는지를 설명해주세요. 단순히 어린이들은 새 정보를 쉽게 받아들인다는 내용만으로는 지적능력 형성이라는 키워드와 연결짓기 어렵습니다. For instance, children learn foreign language much faster than their parents or teenagers when they live in a foreing country. 주장에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 연구결과의 형태로 제시한다면 예증의 설득력을 더욱 높일 수 있겠습니다. They just accept the foreign foreing language without being interfered with their mother tongue tungue unlikely to unlike elders. That is why nowadays many people send their children to English spoken countries in an early age, such as USA and Canada, to learn a second language and improve their intelligence by exploiting their brain.
In addition, habits and characters are formed in childhood. Thus when children childrens are used to studying and enjoy concentrating on some subject, it is more likely that they will keep their preference and lifestyle even when they grow up. We can see that people who have high intelligence and study well usually spent childhood very meaningfully as I explained above. On the contrary, people who didn't (did not으로 풀어주는 것이 더 좋습니다. is not, cannot 등도 마찬가지입니다. 단어수에도 보탬이 되겠지요^^) study when they were very young have a hard time concentrating to concentrate on reading books or study. 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 잘 풀어주셨습니다. Old habits die hard(세 살 버릇 여든 간다)와 같은 인용을 사용해서 내용을 설명하는 것도 좋겠습니다. For instance, my friend was a baseball player in elementary school and he spent most of his time playing sports instead of attending class. After he quitted quited playing to play baseball and chose to study hard in highschool, he could not even seat on the desk for a long time and concentrate because he was not used to it. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
To In conclusion, I wholheartedly beleive that childhohood is the most precious time to develop one's intellectual ability. The rational behind this is that this period is well known for easy acquisition of the knowledge. Moreover, characters and habits are fixed in childhood and it will affect one's lifetime intelligence. All in all, we should pay more attention to childhood and provide better education for children.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 내용이 부족하거나 주제에서 벗어나게 되지 않도록 논제의 키워드에 초점을 두고 내용을 자세하게 서술해주세요. 주장에 대한 설명과 사례부분에 살을 더 붙여서 내용 보완해주시고 분량 만들어주세요. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!