▶ Your Answer :
People say that a person with a job is happier than one without it. Generally, this is the case. But why is this the case? (academic writing 에서 질문형은 쓰시지 않도록 합니다.) It is because a person with a job earns money(,) and the other doesn't. Thus, what is important in making a working person happier is not the fact that s/he has a job itself but it is that one earns money from working. Therefore, when we talk about a person who does not work "because s/he has enough money", it is completely different. (왜 therefore 로 연결되었는지 잘 모르겠고요, 큰따옴표는 왜 쓰셨나요? 또한 뭐가 completely different 하다는 것인가요?) I think that not working and having enough money are two separate reasons why such a person (일하지 않는 사람을 말씀하시는건가요?) should be happy. (Into 전반적으로 unclear 합니다. 문장 간의 연결성도 떨어집니다. 흐름을 다시 잡아보시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다.)
First, people who has no job but are rich can do whatever they want to do (such a person (위에서도 comment 했지만 일하는 사람인지 아닌지 잘 모르겠네요) can do whatever s/he wants to do.) It is because they do have enough money to enjoy their life and time to spend S/he is not constrained by financial burden burdents, nor time because s/he is both rich and free from work. This means that the person is able to do whatever s/he has dreamed of. This is better than a working person can ever get. For example, a drummer who loves to play but is poor cannot enjoy playing drum which is the best thing in his life since he can do another thing to support this life think about a drummer for whom playing drums is the best thing in his life. But he is still burdened by financial matters, so that he may have to do some extra work other than what he truly loves to do. Meanwhile, In contrast, a rich person who loves to play drums can just play drums and stay happy without worrying about financial problem. (일단은 처음부터 topic 이 clear 하게 드러나지 않았고 본인의 입장도 제대로 이해하기 어려웠기 때문에 글 자체의 이해가 어려운 점이 있었습니다. 문단 전반적으로 깔끔하게 정리되어 있다는 느낌은 들지 않습니다.ㅜ)
Also, such a person (반복적으로 이 표현만 사용하시는 데 정확하게 표현해주세요.) would be free from stress. (why do you think so? Supportive idea 여기에 써주세요) I think the two most crucial factors in causing stress are money and work. (가난하고 일하고 하는 내용들은 앞 문단에서도 이미 언급되었습니다.) If one does not have enough money, then one has to worry about basically everything in life. Even if one earns enough money to make a living, s/he still has to be concerned about things that happen unexpectedly, such as marriage of their sons or daughters. Thus such a person cannot be constantly concerned about money. (? 지금까지 말한 such a person 은 직업은 없지만 부자인 사람을 지칭하는 것 아니었나요?) Also, a person who works has have to maintain his job to continue to make a living, whether or not s/he likes it. This restricts the person's freedom so that s/he is likely to be unhappy. (he 나 she 중 하나만 쓰셔도 됩니다. 굳이 s/he 이렇게 표현하지 않으셔도 됩니다.)
To summarize, I think a person who does not work and has plenty of money is one of the luckiest person alive. Such a person is free from of financial and occupational stress that is common problem to modern man. Also, s/he can pursue whatever s/he wants to do because s/he has sufficient time and money.
전체적으로 내용을 반복적으로 언급하신 곳이 많았고, clear 하게 설명된 부분도 많았슶니다. 내용면에서 improve 할 수 있도록 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |