▶ Your Answer :
There are different opinions about whether universities encourage students to develop their own abilities for their future. Some people believe that students in college learn much information which is are more detailed. And thus, people can broaden their own knowledge. However, in my opinion, I think that universities should be the best place for students to prepare for jobs by offering needed information about job and gradual management system/ (are beneficial for students to prepare for their jobs: colleges give students needed information for job(,) give gradual managements of students from schools.)
First, colleges should enable students to find and seek data related to their job. (why do you think so? 학교가 왜 학생들에게 직업과 관련된 정보를 찾을 수 있도록 해야하나요? 저라면 “정보가 경쟁력인 요즘, 직업에 대한 자세한 정보를 얻을 수 있는 경로가 찾기 쉽지 않다” 이런 이유를 대겠습니다.) In many schools, schools teach students to acquire a variety of data as well as they let students arrange their future. To be specific, schools have lots of information various news on job. So they can be used as a source of preparation for future. Also, students can utilize programs such as internship, field practice. By going through those, students can get capacity to adapt on work-force directly. To take my school as an example, our school’s example, my our school has conducted job’s program (job’s program 이 뭔가요? 그냥 program 하시는 것이 낫겠습니다.) to allow students to apply for company. And therefore, students would look for job-fair, period of applying for business and so on. And students could be helped by professionals who are already working in the fields they are applying for to get better consequences also when students get ready to apply for their career, professional people who are working on the area coach them to bring back better consequence. (제시하신 학교 시스템과 본인의 idea 를 종합해서 마무리 지으시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Second, (제시하신 두 번째 근거는 gradual management 였습니다. 이것에 대한 언급이 먼저 있고, 그 뒤로 이를 support 해주는 보충설명이 있으면 좋겠습니다.) via progressive administration, students can be controlled by their professor. (why?) Once students enter the university, consulting with their teacher, and then, students begin to consider their dream. Next, they regard own aptitude, preferred field etc. After that, professors guide students according to their situation, grade, credit, aptitude. In other words, they lead pupils with fitting in their ability gradually. (이건 단순히 gradual management 가 무엇인지를 설명한 부분인 것 같네요. 그냥 입학 후 졸업까지 담당교수와 함께하는 진로상담부터 실제적인 지원준비에 도움을 주는 시스템을 말한다 정도로 간단하게 설명 가능할 것 같습니다.) My friend, min-su, is an excellent example. During attending university, min-su wanted to look for hers dream. she had met her advisor right after she entered the school From time was when she was a freshman, she regularly met hers advisor. It was plain for her to know about herself. Thanks to saying, she could find her own work without difficulty. (역시나 마무리는 자신의 idea 와 예시를 종합해서 쓰시는 것이 좋겟습니다.)
결론부분까지 마저 작성하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예시가 구체적이지 않아서 좀 아쉽습니다. 글 전반적으로 논리적인 흐름에 맞게 쓰시도록 다시 한번 읽어보시면 좋을 것 같구요~ 디테일한 부분까지 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |