▶ Your Answer :
Today, life is easier and cozier than it was when
our grandparents were young.
More and more people are being negative person
becoming negative, and also many people are becoming isolated from our the society than compared
to the society 50 years ago. However, some people say that today, the
society has diverse merits to live people for
the people to live comfortably. Otherwise, it is a generally accepted
truth that most of modern people think about themselves
for only their own benefits, and the society
is getting harder to live.
<인트로 부분이 정확하지 않습니다. 말하고자
하는 정확한 주장을 써주셔야 할 것 같습니다>
First
of all, although some people say that a social generative power is provided by
young people, but <앞부분에 although가 들어갔기 때문에, 굳이 but을 넣으실 필요는 없습니다 ^^> actually young people are making
this society much harder than past-times. This is because of that most
of young people are suffering from diverse pains
from their competition such as job interview, job application or educational
stress. In this manner, they usually are situated in stressful condition, and
they do not want to communicate with the society. Most of young people are
caring only care for themselves, and this
phenomenon made the society badly bad. <여기서 bad는 society(명사)를
수식 하기 때문에, 형용사를 사용하셔야 합니다> However,
in case of past-times, there was no serious competition for job recruiting and
school application. Moreover, People tend to communicate with them each other <여기서 them은
누구를 수식하는 건가요?> to live better together. Consequently, young
people make the society to cold by them, 는 되게 한국적인 표현인 것 같습니다, 다른 단어로 교체해 주시면 좋을 것 같아요 ^^>and
it will give bad effects not also to young people but others.
On
top of that, today, old people have no way to spend their time
efficiently. In fact, the facilities for seniors boast about those qualities.
However, the problem is that those kind of senior places are made by young
people for isolating the olds from progressive society. According to a study
from the Public research center, much of congressman answered about this
research that the more we have finances for senior, the more we tend to make
the senior facilities for to separate
them. In addition, they confessed that to invest senior place has much benefits
than harmonizing them to our society. It means that modern society is going
negative and modern people want to stress their individualism. In conclusion,
if people want to live happier life than past-times, they should concern about
the senior citizens and tolerate them.
<이 쪽 부분은 인트로 부분에 나오지 않았습니다. 다음 번에
간략하게 모든 아이디어를 인트로 부분에 집합시켜주세요. 그래야 사람들이 말하고자 하는 것을 제대로 인식할
수 있습니다>
To
sum up, while today 를 넣고 또 modern 이라는
단어가 들어 가면 같은 의미가 반복 되기
때문에, 하나만 쓰셔도 될 것 같습니다> modern people are being cold
indifferent and changing faster, this society is
being becoming competitive. Moreover,
this phenomenon affects old people, and they seriously want to go back to 50
years ago. If people want to make the society better than now, they should
review the olds saying and harmonize with them.
좀 더 아이디어를 정리하셔서 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하세요 ^^ |