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Today, one of the big issues is the Syria’s uprising by internal conflicts in their country. They against the government and criticize a dictatorial government. Also, the U.S.A and EU have an economic crisis. It means that almost all advanced country’s economy has bogged down. In addition, North Korean and Iran have developed a nuclear weapon, so the international community’s restriction is reinforcing. (인트로가 좀 필요없이 긴것같아요. 좀더 간략하게 인트로를 쓰셨으면 좋겠습니다. Thus many countries have changed their society even at this moment. In fact, Korea also has experienced social changes which are political participation, women in public affairs and elderly society.
First, the development of the internet has lead to huge increase in people’s political participation. Especially, Korea online public opinion forums increase communication within civil society with its diversity, flexibility and inherent freedom lately. For example, one of famous Korean singers posts posted her opinion on her Twitter or Face book and then it is the focus of the public attention. It is also made an article (무슨표현인가요? 이해가 안가요...ㅠㅠ) . In addition, the politicians slander the other parties’ policy. The other way, the politicians are sometimes criticized for this situation from the people. Another example is that an in depth discussion of the educational system and tuition problem in Korea is usually broadcasting on TV. The debaters are regardless of age or gender. They can argue freely about that topic (자꾸 fact만 늘여놓지 마시고, 이유를 언급해주세요. 즉, 어떤 말을 하셨으면, 그것에 대해서 설명을하고 여러가지 살을 붙여주셔야하는데 자꾸 fact만 계속언급하는 느낌이들어요). As a result, there are so many people access to the internet in order to express their political opinion.
Not only Korean social changes are just increasing political participation, but also Korean has increased the entry of women in public affairs. Today women’s image is more confident, mature and intelligent than the past. The most important reason is almost all Korean women have their own job. Of course, it has for many different reasons. Some women have to support their family because just one parent cannot afford to live stably. Also, other (also가 필요가없어요) Other women get a job to satisfy their life and goal. As women’s social position raise (raise는타동사에요 rise 혹은 increase가 적합하겠네요.), so they can express their feelings more freely and trying to achieve what they really want. The women power increased more and more, social changes also benefit women significantly. For example, there had been a constant movement to abolish the patriarchal family system in Korea then it was approved later. Therefore, abolishing the system makes husband and wives equal under law. (이부분에대해서도 좀더 detail 하게 말씀을 하셨으면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
It is clear to me that Korean has increased the entry of women in public affairs about Korea’s social change. However, their greatest social change is that Korea is going to the elderly society. Elderly people are so important in our modern society; they are mostly the reason for our existence. Elderly people have spent a lot of time in the world and have seen things and known things that the younger people of the world have not witnessed. Koreans are seeing a lot more Elderly people living for longer by advancing in Medicine and diseases being fought. On the other hand, some people see them as expensive and as a nuisance as they are living longer. They cannot afford to support elderly people by themselves because they can’t take care of them all day. That’s why the silver industries are increased in Korea. Even though they regard to support elderly people and have too heavy responsibility, modern Society have Elderly people to thank for the modern society that we are living in. (포인트 2가지로만 나가시면 좋겟다라는 생각에 여기는 다 지웟습니다.)
In conclusion, I would like to see happen in Korea about social changes. There are increased people’s political participation, increased the entry of women in public affairs and elderly society. As time goes by everything has changed suitably, the society is also changing with the condition. Therefore we are always preparing to adjust the different atmosphere.
Comment: 말씀하신바처럼 어색한 표현이 상당히 많습니다. 그러한이유는 아마 영작하려고만하시고, 또 영어와 많이 접하지 못해서입니다. 영어로 관련된 여러가지 미디어를많이보세요. 그래야 고쳐집니다. 수고하셨습니다 ㅎㅎ^^ |