▶ Your Answer :
A sizeable percentage of people believe that cooperation is a crucial key to succeed success in today's world(,) because the world is closely interconnected through the means of cultures and economies. However, I feel that the ability to work together is much more significant in the past than today, considering the improved technology and facility system that have (that이 받는 것이 technology 와 facility system 두 가지 이므로 복수인 have 를 쓰주세요) has made many things possible without other's help.
First of all, better technology has made it people possible for people to achieve their goals/ do their jobs successfully perform equally successful job without anyone's help. This is because people can easily access and utilize ultilize numerous convenient programs and tools to do a task. For example, when my mom was at my age, it was very common thing to form a group to help each other in doing on school works. For her and her friends, this was the best method to solve the problem. However, students in my generation do not need to form a group to be academically successful. It is rather much easier to just go on the internet and watch educational videos and use search engine like Google tutor videos or ask on google. This shows that the cooperation is not as necessary as it once was in the past had been.
Another equally eqaully important reason is that there are more and more facilities to assist and handle family members (이 말이 어떠한 의미로 쓰인 것인지에 대한 의문이 듭니다. Clear 하게 표현할 수 있는 방법을 찾아보실 필요가 있는 것 같습니다.) in need, such as daycare and family center. For this reason, family member does not necessarily have to depend on each other. Therefore, less cooperation among family is needed in comparison to the past where family lived in a big group and helped each other. (앞에서 daycare center 같은 것을 언급하셨는데 이는 가족끼리의 협력과 큰 관련히 없는 것 같네요. 다만 부모의 짐을 덜어주었을 뿐이죠…) According to a statistic released/surveyed conducted by University of Chicago, the number of daycare centers and other care facilities has increased by 30 percent over the past decade. This shows that more people rely on these facilities and that they have become more independent from other family members.
Looking at all the statement above, I am convinced that the reasons that show less cooperation for today outweigh the opposing side. Thus, I strongly disagree with the premise that people's capability of cooperation is more important today than before.
전반적인 글 구성은 잘 하셨습니다. 중간중간 typographical error 이 보이는데 글을 완성하신 후 proofreading 하시는 것 잊지 마시기 바랍니다! 또 내용면에서 조금 더 보충되었으면 하는 부분들 위에 commet 해 놓았으니 참고해보시면 좋겠네요~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |