▶ Your Answer :
It has been argued that today(,) life is easier and cozier than it was when our grandparents were young. I surely disagree with the statement because many people in modern society are living to in competitive situation compared to the past. In addition, there is too much information that people should know in an abruptly changing society.
To begin with, people living in modern society go through a huge amount of difficulties to survive in this competitive society because of competitive situation. This is due to the fact that today is so complicated. (요즘 세상이 너무 복잡해서 경쟁이 심한 사회가 되었다? 2%가 부족합니다~ 세상이 복잡해지다보니 어떻게/무엇을 요구하게 되었고, 그러나보니 너도나도 경쟁하는 사회가 되었다 이런 식으로 써주시는 것이 더 구체적일 수 있겠고, 이후에 이어지는 내용에서 쉽게 예시 같은 것을 제시하실 때 더 적합한 것을 쓰실 수 있을 것입니다~) Although many people try to do diverse a diversity of activities such as getting special certifications, going to graduate school(,) and even studying for another diploma course, (diploma 는 졸업장을 의미합니다. 이미 앞에서 대학원까지도 간다고 언급하셨는데 굳이 diploma course 라고 하신 이유를 잘 모르겠습니다.) it is hard to find a job. On the other hand, grandparents’ lives were so simple that they did not have to compete with each other in the past. Therefore, many people in modern are exposed to a great amount of stress. This fact proves that it is not easier for people to live in modern society. (할아버지시대에는 농경사회였기 때문에 교육에 대한 필요성을 많이 느끼지 못했고, 대학에 가는 사람들은 극소수에 불과했다. 그러나 이에 반해 지금은 대학교는 기본이 되어버렸다~ 이런 식으로 흐름을 잡으셔도 좋을 것 같습니다.)
On top of that, these days, people should keep on studying because there are a variety of devices or tools to adjust to changing society (there are a variety of tools which we should know more and more. This is because today people are living in society where everything is changing abruptly). For instance, many people use their own personal computer, cell-phone and so on every day. These instruments are quickly substituted by brand-new products. If people do not know how to deal with it, they will undergo a ton of difficulties. (ß이렇게 애매한 표현을 사용하시기 보다는 어떠한 어려움들이 있는지까지도 서술해주셨으면 합니다~) However, in the past, they do not have to know these skills because they can handle such matter without modern tools. There is a clear example that many elders have a large number of problems in modern society because they cannot utilize new tools such as (tools 의 예시를 말하는 파트입니다. 그런데 문자가 tool은 아니죠? 적절하게 써주셔야 합니다~ such as cellphone/smart phones, internet 등등..) texting, internet banking, and e-mail. These implements are so complex that it is hard for grandparents to be familiar with cannot use it. As a result, the old people give up using the use of new tools. This demonstrates that it is more difficult for people to live in modern society compared to the past.
In conclusion, I absolutely disagree with this opinion that it is more comfortable for people to live in the modern when comparing the past. It is because first, people are living in a fiercely competitive society and secondly, our society is sharply changing with fast speed.
전반적으로 잘 하셨습니다~ 앞서 설명드린 부분들 참고해주시구요~ today 라는 단어를 반복적으로 사용하시는 데 굳이 사용하실 필요 없습니다~ 수고하셨습니다. ^^ |