▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that people should have more opportunities to meet a variety of friends. These chances help people to build social relationships and improve social skills. However, I prefer to hang out with a few of my closest friends. It is because if I spend time with my close friends, I can deepen our relationships and have intimate conversations with them. I believe that deep relationships and close conversations are more beneficial than taking part in groups consisted of a large number of people.
To begin with, spending time with one or two close friends helps people to build strong and deep relationships with them. It is due to the fact that people can share a variety of experiences (이 부분은 오히려 body 2에 더 적절한 문장인 것 같네요.) with their friends by spending together(,) and valuable memories allow them people to build better relationships. For example, I have two friends who I have maintained strong relationships with me for about ten years. The reason that we can have a strong relationship is because we have spent lots of time together in or out of college. We studied in a library, went to fancy restaurants and traveled together. I cannot talk about my college life without my two best friends. Therefore, I believe that spending time with close friends help people to make strong relationships. (글의 흐름이 약간 흐트러진 것 같은데요~ 단순히 spending time with friends 가 더 깊은 관계를 형성하는 데 도움이 된다면 많은 친구들과도 그렇게 시간을 보내면 충분히 깊은 사이가 될 수 있다는 논리로 바로 이어질 수 있습니다. 왜 “여러명의 친구가 아니라 소수의 친구와 시간을 보내는 것이 더 좋으냐” 라는 토픽에 대해 소수의 친구와 함께 하는 것이 좋다 왜냐면 spending time 하는 것이 관계를 깊게 하니까 라는 이유를 대는 것은 그리 설득력이 있어보이지는 않습니다.)
Secondly, if people spend time with close friends, they can have intimate and deep conversations. (why do you think so? 예를 들자면 적은 숫자의 친구들과 함께 했을 때는 비밀이 지켜질 수 있다는 믿음이 커지기 때문에 등등을 이야기할 수 있겠죠?) However, people who are not familiar with each other are hard to have intimate conversations, and they talked about light topics, such as daily life and weather. Furthermore, people in large groups are hard to talk about controversial issues have controversy conversations. For instance, when I was in college, I liked to talk about politics in Korea. Sometimes, it made some conflicts between people when they were are not enough familiar with each other enough to talk about controversy. Therefore, I believe that there are some restrictions to in choosing topics to talk about with which are talked among unfamiliar people. (친한친구들과 더 깊은 대화를 나눌 수 있는 이유에 대해서 생각해보시고 그 부분을 심도있게 다뤄주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 친하지 않으면 깊은 이야기, controversial issue 에 대해서는 이야기 할 수 없다는 문장만 반복하시는 것은 바람직하지 않습니다.)
All in all, some prefer to hang out with lots of people, but I prefer to spend time with familiar friends. First of all, I and my friends can build good memories (body 1 에서도 이 부분을 강조하시기 그러셨어요~~ 실제적으로 쓰신 body 1에서는 이런 부분들이 크게 부각되지 못한 것 같습니다.) which is helpful to maintain our good relationships and have serious conversations without any limitation on topic and we do not have limitations to talk about something.
문법적으로는 어느 정도 잘 하셨는데 내용면에서 수정해보셔야 할 부분들이 많습니다. 코멘트 달아드린 내용을 바탕으로 글의 흐름을 점검해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |