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Some prefers to take a rest during their free time without any specific plans. They said that it helps them recharge the energy for (일을 하기에 좋다던가 등의 직접적인 단어를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요~) their next time. On the other hand, I believe that it is better that people should make a specific plan in order to spend their free time well. There are two reasons as below.
To begin with, specific plans make people take part in diverse activities and it makes their free time more valuable. If people do not have any plans, they are easy to spend time in doing nothing at home, sleeping or eating something (unproductive things 라는 표현을 써보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다~). Even though people believe that they take a rest and recharge energy for their free time, nothing would be memorable even in the near future. It is possible that some people might still feel tired after taking a break at home. However, if people make specific plans and participate in a variety of activities, it provides more valuable memories and helps them recharge their energy. According to a study conducted by the leisure research institute, (institute 의 공식 명칭이라면 단어의 첫 글자는 대문자로 바꿔주세요) more people responded that when they took part in more diverse activities, they felt that free time was more valuable. Therefore, plans help people spend free time more worthy. (실제적으로 계획이 있을 경우 어떻게 시간을 보내게 되는지에 대한 언급은 없고 단순하게 계획을 세우면 더 가치있게 시간을 보낸다 라는 문장의 반복만 있습니다. 내용 improve 해주세요~)
Secondly, careful plans can help improve the level of activities. (이번 문단에서는 여가시간을 여행을 가는 것으로 제한하시고 쓰신 것이라면 그런 제한적인 요소들까지 언급해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 level of activities 라고 하시기 보다는 quality 라는 단어를 사용해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) It is obvious that people can do and enjoy more valuable activities with a specific plans travels with a specific plan can provide more valuable activities. Travelers can visit better places and restaurants with more information(,) and it is really helpful to raise the level of travels. For example, when I went to Paris I made a specific plan(,) but my sister went there without any plans. It was because she believed that traveling without plans was were more thrilling and exciting. However, she did not visit even famous places and eat delicious and cheap dishes, contrary to my travel. Thus, I believe that specific plans for free time help people improve the level of activities. (문장의 흐름을 제대로 잡지 못하신 것 같습니다. 첫 문장 : 구체적인 계획은 quality 있는 여행을 가능하게 한다 혹은 여가시간을 보내게 한다. 두 번째 문장 : 왜냐하면 충분한 조사를 통해 유용한 정보를 많이 얻을 수 있기 때문이다. 이런 식으로 잡으시면 오히려 서술하신 예도 더 적절하고 자연스럽게 연결될 수 있을 것 같네요.)
All in all, some said that spontaneous activities without any plans are better for free time. On the other hand, I believe that making a plan helps people to spend better free time and have better activities. (차이가 두드러지는 근거는 아니라고 생각됩니다) People should make careful plans to spend better free time.
문법보다는 내용면에서 보충하셔야 할 부분들이 많아보입니다. Comment 달아드린 부분들 참고하시면서 내용을 improve 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다! |