▶ Your Answer :
It is evident that getting a job has far reaching implications for our lives in the contemporary society. Some people might think that people should try several (뭘 시도해본다는거죠? 여러 직장을 가져봐야한다는 건가요? 아니면 여러 군데에 지원을 해봐야한다는건가요? 정확하게 쓰는 습관을 길러주세요) different jobs before getting a long-term job, while others disagree/ do not. In my opinion, however, I agree with this statement. There are a number of cogent reasons to support my argument, but I will mainly focus on the two most crucial ones. First, it is very effective method. Second, it can get a lot of information for future.
To begin with, the most significant reason for my argument is that it is very beneficial (뭐하는 데 beneficial 하다는 것인가요?). Why? When we try several different, we can do a lot of experience. ->We can accumulate diverse experience by doing different kind of work. It tends to help to our. <-incomplete sentence. Let’s take my friend Tom, whom I went to college with, as an example. After graduation, he applied for several internship programs and was accepted to lots of companies could enter a lot of company relation to internship. When he worked out in company, he learned about a lot of things for his future. After all, this gives to help to him. (설득력이 전혀 없습니다. 지금까지 이야기한 바와는 달리 여러 곳에서 일한 것도 아니고 한 회사에서 일했을 뿐이고 도대체 그 회사에서 무엇을 배웠다는 것인지, 미래에 어떻게 도움이 된다는 것인지 하나도 제시되지 않았습니다. 그리고 마지막 문장을 this helped him 이라고만 쓰셔도 됩니다.)
In addition, To second, but another equally the most important reason for arguing in this way is that people are it is able to get many information for future. SUPPORTIVE SENTENCE. Let’s take my friend Cessy, whom I went to college with. For example, my friend, Cessy, After graduation, she worked in many companies after graduation out a lot of company. She was able to get a lot of information for future in this place. And then she could prepare for her business plan easily. After all, she can be successful woman. She felt need to try several different jobs. (이번에도 예시가 전혀 구체적이지 않습니다. 더구나 앞 문단의 예시와 form 도 너무나 비슷하네요.)
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that my argument regarding this topic has been clearly and precisely delivered. Never should we forget that this issue may have huge impacts on our future.
구체적인 내용들을 보충해주실 필요가 절대적으로 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |