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People have different opinions on whether films can tell us a lot about the country in which they were are made. I absolutely believe that films could not cannot tell us a lot about country in which they were are made for the following two reasons. First, they could not show do not reflect the whole part of people’s lifestyles (situation은 lifestyle 안에 포함되어 있기 때문에 생략가능합니다.) the whole the people’s life and situation in of the country. Second, films could show us the wrong information about the country.
토플에서 훅이나 인트로가 큰 비중을 차지하지는 않지만 적어도 기본적인 역할에는 충실해야 된다고 생각합니다. 훅이 너무 중복돼요. 처음을 people’s stance on films보다는 “as the importance and role of films in people’s lives are becoming larger, a new stance has risen to the surface about how films can tell people about the country in which they are made.”
First of all, some people say that we could can understand know a lot about the country through the films. But However I think it is actually hard for films to contain the real life and situation about the country. These days we could see people can obtain a lot of information by the films on TV or on the on internet. However, if we search for the films regarding some country, we could see can watch only some issues that many people are interested in. (“if we search for films regarding some country”라는 표현은 어색하기도 하고 그 전의 문맥을 봤을 때 무슨 의미인지 잘 모르겠어요ㅠ) in In other words, it is difficult to see a huge amount of information through the films (information을 see할 순 없습니다). For example, when I had to search for the people’s life about some country due to the school’s assignment, I could not find them by the films on the internet. Finally I could get information about it through the books in the library. So, I believe that films have limitation to show us a lot about the country through it.
Films를 통해 얻는 것들을 information이라 칭하기엔 어색합니다. 그렇게 광범위하게 information하지말고 culture라던가 specific하게 설명해주셨다면 더 이해하기 쉬웠을 것 같습니다.
그리고 예시가 너무 broad하고 애매해요. Some country라 하는 대신 한 나라의 이름을 정확히 짚어주셨으면 합니다.
In addition, sometimes films could tell the may convey wrong information about the country. When I was in high school, I watched some films regarding some about a country. They showed me that that country was very poor and disorganized at the time. But I was so very surprised when I visited that country and saw the real situation realized that the country is not as poor as I had thought before. This is because, the In fact, the country was really very well organized and had good natural environment. So sSince then, I could not do not fully believe the films’ scenes. Therefore, we could not get a lot the right and accurate of information about the a country through the films.
여기도 마찬가지로 예시를 some country로 하지 말고 specific하게 이름을 이야기해주세요.
그런데 첫번째와 두번째 바디의 예시를 비교해보면 둘이 좀 비슷하네요.. 둘 다 다른 나라와 다른 영화의 예시를 들어서 설명하시면 반복은 피하실 수 있을 거에요.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that film is not enough to show us a lot regarding about the country. Because it is hard to show about the entire of the people’s life and films could tell us the wrong information about the country.
Regarding 이라는 단어를 쓰면 표현이 어색해지는 부분에도 포함해서 너무 많이 쓰시는 것 같아요. About, in terms of, as to, in regards of, 등등 많은 동의어가 있으니 다양하게 사용하는 것도 좋은 에세이로 보이는 팁 중 하나입니다. J
이 에세이 질문에 대해 어떻게 생각하시는지 이해는 하지만 에세이에서는 충분히 드러나지 않았던 것 같아요. 인트로에서 first, ~. Second, ~라고 설명해준 부분을 바디에서도 clear하게 드러내셔야 합니다.
그리고 어떻게 보면 두 바디의 주장이 조금 겹친다 생각할 수도 있습니다.
좀 더 디테일을 살려서 설명하고 예시를 들면 (e.g.“영화는 흥미로운 사건이 하나씩 터지니까 그런 큰 사건은 사람들의 일상생활에서 일어나기엔 현실적이지 않다”) 훨씬 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같습니다.
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