▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that having jobs is not bad for teenagers because they have to study at that time. However I firmly believe that getting a job is better than focusing only on studying. This is because first it helps students not only to improve their social skills and second it helps them but also to choose their major.
First of all, having a job helps young students to improve social skills. While teens are working in a part time job, they will have the many chances to meet diverse people, to work together and to talk with them about many things. Through the working together and talking with each other, they can learn how to live together with other people and to get into more closer relationship. For example, I was so shamed used to be a very shy person when I was teenager. My father advised me to get a part time job. Therefore, I had a part time job and started working at a restaurant. During a While working at the store, I met many people and told had a lot of conversation a lot with co-workers and customers. After that I did not feel a shame shy any more. Also, I feel that it is easy Now, it is much easier for me to meet and talk with other people and I had a good social skills as I have improved my social skills.
Secondly, working a part time job helps students to decide their majors. Students only learn about knowledge in school. However, students not only can find their aptitude but also can decide their major properly through the many experience in real world. For instance, my friend named Taek-geun had gone through many experiences such as painting, waiter, labor in construction, sales by having jobs as a student. As a result, he He knew realized his aptitude very early earlier than his friends through his experiences. He decided to study paintings. Thus, he can prepared to enter a college early. Thus, as he decided to study paintings, he was able to prepare early for entering a college.
To conclude, having a job helps students to get achieve higher social skills as well as to decide their major. For these reasons, I strongly recommend that young students to should have a job during their teenagehood. As I mentioned above, teenagers a teenager who has a part time job will become a better person and will play a key role in a the society after graduate graduation.
에세이 전반적으로 깔끔하게 잘 쓰셨어요. 하지만 두 바디 문단에서 예시를 마무리하는 문장으로 끝내지 말고, “이 예시에서 보여졌듯이, ~”하면서 문단의 주장으로 에세이 질문을 답하는 형식으로 마무리 지으면 더 돋보이는 에세이가 될 것 같습니다.
그리고 문장을 쓰실 때에 그 표현에 맞는 단어를 잘 선택을 못 하시는데 이건 영어책 등을 통해 영어 표현력을 최대한 많이 접해보는 방법 외에는 없을 것 같습니다…
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