▶ Your Answer :
The company and the society are greatly related to each other. The company could make a fortune from the support of the community and the local people could get some payment from working. The job loss unemployment rate is becoming important to the nation that the president candidates always deal with unemployment problems prior to pledging other policy. The drawback of making the company near the community could downgrade the environment situation. However, fFrom my view, constructing the factory factories is a good idea provided that the factory observes their rules like limiting the emission of pollution and decreasing the noise from the production equipment.
To begin with, factories should be built because factories provide many benefits to the community. Our Specifically, our region doesn’t does not have enough facilities and need some areas to work. In Kwang-Ju city, this area has talented people and have high standard of education. The lack of the company to work made the communities’ brain asset is flowed flow out for getting a job. To enhance the development of the society, the residents, from my perspective, are required to advertise the dweller’s superiority and ability for working to the governments.
첫문장을 바로 예시로 시작하지 말고 인트로에서 들었던 이유를 첫문장에서 다시한번 restate해주세요.
마지막 문자에서 “advertise ~”는 construction of factories랑 무관하다 생각합니다.
그리고 인트로에서 limiting emission of pollution이야기를 하셨는데 왜 그 이야기는 하나도 나오지 않는지 궁금합니다.
Some factory has factories have bad impact on the environment of the region. Some environmentalists claim that pollution from the factory’s chimney is very harmful for their children and made not just to humans but also to the nature. the quality downgraded(?). N However, nowadays, many of factories have the facilities to filter the contaminated air before exuding it to the air. This sustainable developing movement spreads is spreading throughout the whole all over the country for eco-friendly development. If they build the waste disposal site near our community, I seem to strongly be against about it until the government or company give a lot of benefits enough to offset the disadvantages. Thus, if factories with such eco-friendly facilities are constructed in our community, it will bring economic growth without any harmful influence on nature.
두번째 바디에서 emission of pollution이야기가 나왔네요. 하지만 noisy sounds from factories에 관한 이야기는 나오지 않았습니다. 그러니 차라리 인트로의 그 부분을 지우는 게 나을 것 같습니다. 대신 첫번째 바디의 주장을 인트로에서 간단히 state하는 것이 낫겠죠.
그리고 여기 바디에서 downgraded(?)라고 하셨는데 (?)부분은 그냥 빼세요. 불확실한 면모는 그냥 안 보이는 것이 낫습니다. 어쨌든 이부분 외에도 완벽한 부분은 없으니까요.
Bringing the society pleasant and well off, we need to build the job place to work factories will also be able to provide job to people. (we가 bring the society pleasant and well off하나요? Factory가 하는 거죠.) They cooperatively give and receive the benefits to each other back and lead to keep living condition increasing an increase in humans’ quality of life. Some of weak point I was described are inevitable to do it. Therefore, establishing a factory in community is better than blocking building it.
인트로는 좋았지만 바디에서 잘 보여주지 못한 것 같아요. 첫번째 바디에서는 광주를 예시로 들어주셨는데, 전채 문단을 예시에 대해 쓰기보다는 예시를 주장의 근거를 뒷받침하는 걸로 쓰셨어야 하셨어요. 그 반면에 두번째 바디에서는 예시나 사소한 statistical data라도 나오지 않아 아쉬웠습니다.
되도록이면 최대한 인트로, 바디 1,2를 평행하게 해주셨으면 좋겠어요.
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