| |
| |
|
Some people think that airplanes made a greater impact on society than cars. However, in my opinion, cars have much more impact than airplanes because cars make people to have more contacts and they influenced greatly on the economy by creating much more jobs than airplanes.
To start with, cars made people have more contacts by making travel easy. Because of the development of the car, many people were able to meet each other more frequently that they could easily cooperate and communicate. And (문장의 시작을 and으로 하지 말아주세요.) this led (철자 오류) to the development of science and technology. For instance, Thomas Edison was able to develop the light bulb because he was able to travel to his laboratory and discuss problems of the bulb with his fellow inventors frequently.
Secondly, compared to airplanes, cars were able to make much more jobs and occupations through constructing numerous factories. Construction of factories allured people to live around the area and form a city-like community. Since cars are bought by many people, unlike airplanes, they have much more impact on the economy. For example, according to a study done by professor Kim, he said that car industries make 30% more occupations than airplane industries. With this research, we could confirm that cars influence the economy more than airplanes.
In conclusion, cars have more impact than airplanes because it makes people to have more contact and they affect the economy by creating a lot of occupations.
In this regard, I think cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes.
-
1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. introduction의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
4. 디테일이 굉장히 부족한 편입니다. 일단은 personal example의 사례 관련해서 문장이 더 많이 들어와야 할 것 같습니다.
시간 조절에 신경써서 4-5문장 정도를 바디마다 더 써주시면 될 것 같습니다.