Some high schools require all students to wear school uniforms. Other high schools permit students to decide what to wear to school. Which of these two school policies do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
some people believe that school has to allow students to freely wear a cloth since, by this, students are able to express a lot of their diverse and unique personality to other classmates, while other people think differently. (인트로에서는 훅과 상대방의 의견인데 지금 이 에세이 같은경우는 이러한 부분이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 인트로 부터 장황합니다) If I were asked to choose, I would say that the school should prohibit students to wear what they choose for two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, if students can wear their personal garment, a system of student can be destructed. a system of student can be distracted (첫 문장은 간결함입니다) To be specific, by brand or price of their cloth, the hierarchy can be created in the students. different brand can create hierarchy within students, creating discrimination. Also, even teachers or principle can discriminate students by their clothes. (also를 서술해서 시작 하는 것 보다는 앞 문장에 부연설명으로 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다) what I mean is that the treatment to students must be same, no one should not judge them by their status. (앞 문장과 반복되는 표현입니다) For example, according to an investigation of Tokyo University, some teachers in Japan have highly evaluated particular students since they receive a large amount of bribe from their parents. (갑자기 bribe가 나오는 것은 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 이 에세이의 전적인 목적은 유니폼을 입냐 아니냐 입니다) What I want to say with the above example is that a lot of discrimination to students is occurring in the school. Thus, the school has to at least limit their wearing in order to refine this rotten system. (예시가 좋은 예시 아닙니다. 불필요하고 주제를 벗어났습니다)
On top of that, it can be good opportunities for some students since they can decorate themselves.
But, this seems so annoying and hassle from other student's viewpoints. (너무 필요가 없는 문장입니다 구어체 일 뿐만 아니라 에세이의 플로우를 방해합니다) This is because, (설명을 시작 할 때 this is because는 적절치 않습니다) If the school allows them to wear what they want, they always consider and agonize about their cloth since If they wear the same cloth every day, it can give their friends the negative image. Also, few students should spend a large amount of money for purchasing garments. For example, all of Korean elementary school allow us to freely choose our garment and When I was a 9 I had to always persuade my mom to buy clothes. Since most of the cloth which I got was inherited from my older brother. So whay I mean is, it seems so boring and be unmatched with recent trend. If Korean elementary school limited our garment by only school uniform, my mom didn't have to waste the money and I could comfortably went to school.
Sum up, by quality of student's garment, some students have to suffer for entire school life.
Also, they have to work at the part time jot to get a new cloth and always agonize about their outward appearance.
In this regard, I fimrly believe that the students have to wear the only school uniform.
점수: 18
일단 전체적으로 너무 문장들이 정리가 덜 되었습니다. 정리가 덜 되었다라고 느껴지는 이유는 에세이가 문법적으로 나 표현 적으로나 틀린 부분이 많습니다. 또한 첫 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 에세이의 예시를 서술할 때 주제에 관련있게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.