▶ Your Answer :
Some people
think that parents are the best teacher to their children. However, in my
opinion, I think it can be so limited in many aspects for children to learn
only through their parents and there are so many things to learn and experience
with other people. parents are not the bets teachers for the following two subsequent reasons. (인트로에서는 항상 간결함을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다.)
To begin with,
there are many limitations with educating kids only with their parents limitation occurs when parents are the only the teacher. To be specific,
parents would able to teach will teach basic knowledge and attitudes to their children,
but it is quite difficult to teach them deeply. Teachers in school are educated
with the knowledge that which steps would be helpful to children to learn in
each age and trained to help kids to develop in each stage (불필요한 설명이고 문법적으로도 틀린 표현입니다). However, for general
parents it is hard to educate their children within diverse way. For example,
one of my friends was doing home schooling with her 7 year old daughter. Since
her daughter started to have interest a lot in the science, she started to ask
many questions but my friend had hard time to answer it. Even she searched on
the Internet to answer her daughter’s question, she had difficulties to explain
in 7 years perspective. At the same time, my friend was not able to teach her
daughter how to read, since she denied to study other subjects, she had no
option but to send her to the kindergarten. (너무 예시가 극단 적인 거 같습니다. 부모님이 어떠한 상황에서 아이들을 못가르치는 여건이 되었다라는 것이 더 났지 지금 이 예시는 적절치 않는 거 같습니다)
On top of
that, children can learn a lot from various people. Instead of their parents’
perspectives of seeing the world, children can still learn from their
grand-parents, cousins, and even friends. The worlds are packed with variety of
people and stuffs. Even going to a playground and getting along with friends can
make children to develop their social skills. For instance, there was a poll
conducted by the Board of Education in Korea, with 200 teenagers as
respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view
about what and who children think are influential to them. The majority of
respondents ranked that parents the lowest. An overwhelming of 60% had
responded that they learn something from teachers and friends. This survey
proves that parents are not only the best to teach their kids.
In a nutshell, although whether parents are the
best people to educate in their children or not is open to interpretation, it
seems reasonable to claim parents are not only the best to teach their children
because of the two reasons discussed in this essay.
점수: 25 일단 첫 번째 단락이 문제가 많은 거 같습니다. 예시도 그렇고 적절하지 않습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이에서의 좋은 점은 두 번째 단락입니다. 두 번째 단락은 개연성있게 아주 논리적으로 자신의 이유를 풀어나간 거 같습니다. 잘 서술된 단락인 거 같습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |