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■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic : Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. | |
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When people visit some new places, many people like to visit museum. But why many people like to visit museum? Some people may think museum is just boring and never interesting, and don’t want to go for any reason. However, from my point of view, many people visit museum because it reflect places(too vague... reflects what kind of? the history or geological features...etc? Give more specific reasons.), and gives much knowledge about the place.
To begin with, many people visit museum because museum is like a mirror of place. And(←Need fragments... it is ok to use 'and' in front of the sentence, but it dosen't look very good. It'd be better to use 'specifically' or 'in detail') refract what happened to that place. Museum can show what happened before without spending much time in the other places. As a example of museum is good place to go is because, after people sees what happened in the history, it is more interesting to go to place,. enjoyable, and may feels completely different from what people usually sees. (Too long........! make it into several sentences. ex→As an example, museum is a good place to go because, after people see what happended in the history, it is more interesting and enjoyable to go to place. Also, they may feel complectly different from what people usally see.)Thus, going to museum may make people enjoy travel place more than the other people do. (Words like 'may' can give a feeling that the writer is not conficent with his idea. Refrain from using 'may')
Move over, visiting museum gives great amount of knowledge. Many people like to travel with families, and bring child with them. For their children, museum can be another chance to learn something('Something'....what?? use specific words.) . Unlike books or study by them selves, museum is much funnier ('fun' can give an impression that study=play... more academic word would be alright like 'interesting') place to get historical knowledge. For my case, my family always visit museum when we went to travel. And (again, it is ok to use 'and' in front of the sentence, but it dosen't look very good. It'd be better to use 'then') I realize that, it is because my parents thought go to museum is helpful to my study too. (doesn't need to include 'because my parents' the main focus in here is 'going to museum' itself. Who took you there is not important.) In this sense, many travelers like to visit museum because traveler want to let their child to learn history.(really?) And extend their own knowledge too.
All things consider, although people may hold a different position on this issue, I firmly think that many people visit museum when they travel because of two reasons. 1) Museum reflects places well. 2) Museum gives knowledge in fun way. (Too formal and not interesting. Try to make it sound more 'smooth') It seems like even people go to travel for enjoying, travelers care about their own knowledge too.
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The content seems to be alright. So so...
But it feels like that you need some study on grammer.
Try using 'microsoft office word' after you complet your essay. It also gives some grammatical fragments.. very unique..:D Because of this, I didn't change anything with grammer.
Also, be more pratical. Your use of words seems very vague and not specific.
Always remember, THE MORE YOU ARE PRACTICAL THE BETTER IT IS.
Plus, to get higher scores, make your body longer. Your introduction seems very interesting and it gives the reader a kind of impression that your essay is going to be very long. Needless to say, your body doesn't satisfy that.
Hope you do better on the TOEFL test. Wish you a good luck