문제는 In twenty years, people will have more time for leisure activities than today입니다.
I agree that more people would have time for leisures in the future for two reasons. In twenty years, everyone will enjoy comforts provided by new technologies and benefits from diversification of the free time activities.
: 첫문장 다음에 disagree하는 사람들의 의견을 첨가해주세요 ~
With the world develping dramatically and new inventions pouring out every moment, there is probably no one who can deny that the life has become easier. People spend less time for their transportation, work, and chores. There are highways and railroads spread all over the country, internet available practically everywhere, and machines doing house work for us. In other words, we have spared so much time that we used to waste away . As the technology continues to develop, it's undoubtful that we would have more and more time saved, and thus have more time for diversion. 주제를 straightfoward하게 써주세요! People will start looking for activities they can not only relieve stress with but also kill the excess time.
:이문장은 문단의 소주제(신기술로 인해 남는 시간이 많다 고로 여가 활동을 할 시간도 늘어난다.)와 어울리지 않는것같아요~
Another factor contributing to improved people's leisure life is a wider range of activity choices. There are many people around who have time for and are willing to do something yet are incapable of finding one. For instance, my aunt who teaches kindergarteners usually has nothing to do in the evening and used to complain about it. However, she recently registered in a local institution for belly dancing and now enjoys the evenings. In twenty years, there will be more lessons and classes available for working people in a variety of time range and encourage a lot of people to join some kind of leisures. Also, there are going to be more kinds of activities made possible by new science just as screen golfing these days. It'll be easier for the people to find an acitivity they find exciting.
As the world changes faster and faster, more people will suffer from stress and depression. New technogy shortening the wasted time and emergence of unique activities offered at any time would ensure the future working class of good leisure times.
*토플한번봣구요 라이팅은 25점이엇습니다
고쳐야할점좀 알려주세요ㅜㅜ