댓글에 써주신 관계로 둘째 문단에서부터 시작합니다.
Secondly, kids at their early ages should be healthy, ← should be healthy 가 있는 관계로 가만히 생각해 보면 나이가 들어도 건강해야 하겠지요 그래서 뺐습니다.
but if they begin their formal education, ← 콤마 빼시고요 at a very early age, they will would definitely suffer from health problems. ← stressful 하다고 말씀 하시는 게 더 낫지 않을까 하는데요...
아이들은 스트레스 해소법을 몰라서 쌓아가다가 성격적인 결함을 일으킨다.. 등등...
In particular, at a very early age, children’s bones and muscles are still growingn, but if they sit all day for their studying,
the development of their body will be disturbed. The study (or stress) would hinder (or hamper) the physical growth.
Also, they will could suffer from backbone ache.
Once kids go to elementary school,
most will study attend until they graduate from college. , ((which means that most of them spend long time sitting on a chair.)) (( )) ← 참고하시라고요
It is almost 20 years.
For 20 years, they will struggle through a lot of studies,
For 20 years, they would go through hard time from a tight schedule if they don't play enough.
so if children are not healthy enough, they will not overcome the time. ← 비문입니다.
건강해야 공부할 수 있다. 라는 긍정의 표현으로 써주시고요 건강은 필수 조건이다. 라고 쓰시는 게 나을듯
As I mentioned above, children should be most of their time playing with others,
since, at their early ages, their characteristics will be learned, formed.
which cannot be absorbed from only reading a book.
play 와 study 가 should balance 되어야 건강한 아이가 된다. 라는 이론이 더 낫지 않을까요.
Moreover, it is the time for kids to develop their body, so they should play around freely. enough.
내용면에서 어색한 부분이 약간 있었고요
문장 표현에서 순전한 한국식 표현들이 있었습니다.
강조한대로 책 계속해서 읽으셔야 합니다.
뭐~ 저도 못하면서 말만 뻔지르르... 하지만,
강조해도 지나치지 않는 것이 책 읽기 입니다.
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