▶ Your Answer :
A vacation is a good way to release stress especially for students. Escaping the worries of reality and studies once in a while can be healthy. However, I think taking several brief vacations isn't wise or good for a student. Therefore I agree with the fallowing statement 'It is better for students to take a long vacation once a year instead of several brief vacations. (이 부분은 thesis statement이기 때문에 문장 뒤 쪽으로 명시하시면 좋을 꺼 같습니다.)
First, a student's first priority of work must be studying. If you are a student, the main focus of your work must be studying. Vacations, or other recreational actions or breaktime must be optional or second in line of what the student must do. The reason role of vacation is to release the stress and to push in a fresh air from what you were doing, thus to create a positive influence in studying. If the student takes a several brief vacations whenever the person feels like or feels stress, it wouldn't have a positive influence in studying. You would only want to play more, or think about your vacation more then what you must be doing-that is studying. Also, apart from the actual vacation, it consumes a lot of time in planning a vacation. It takes away your studying time.In other words, several brief vacations can be harmful for students in doing their studies.(너무 반복적인 말 입니다) Rather, it is better to take a long vacation after you have done your full studies in once a year or two. Second, there are financial reasons. Most students probably don't have enough money. Unless you have a billionaire parent or a sponser to push you, you need to make a careful plan of what you are spending for. It takes a lot of money as well as time in planning a one vacation. Taking a long vacation once or twice a year would probably be more efficient in financial reasons then several brief vacations.
These are the reasons why i think a long vacation once a year is better for students.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 먼저 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한것은 paragraph입니다. 지금 에세이 flow나 구성은 좋았지만 에세이 format을 맞추는게 좋을 거 같습니다. 인트로에서는 hook을 먼저 말하시고 본인의 주제를 반박하는 의견을 명시하신 후 thesis statement를 쓰시는게 좋을 꺼 같습니다. 그리고 예들을 좀 더 구체적으로 길게 써주시는게 왜 본인이 이러한 이유를 생각하는 지를 더 잘 설명해 줄 수 있을 꺼 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |