■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Some jobs pay high salaries to employees, but require them to live far away from their family members or friends. Other jobs give low salaries, but allow them to live close to their family members or friends. Which do you prefer? |
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▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, family and friends play a
significant role in people's daily life in many of the places where they work or
play. Some people think that getting high salaries but living far away to live from their
family or friends is more useful for them, while others do not. Both sides may
have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would
say that giving low salaries but allowing the employees to live close to their family or
friends is better. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, when people live with their
family and friends, it can strengthen their emotional bond and feelings
security in their relationships. It gives them more chances to socialize with
their loved one by getting to know and understand each other. Being with people
they (they=who?) care about tends to prevent them from feeling lonely in today's cynical
society. For example, when my sister worked in a company which was located far
away from her home, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an
exhausting routine. It was difficult to make friends she could rely on, since
all of them seemed busy and indifferent to others, treating each other as
rivals. Fortunately, she was able to get over her feeling loneliness by living
together with her younger brother and parents. She was able to seek for advice
and obtain words of comfort by spending more time with them. By doing this, she
was able to connect with them and promote her relationship.
In addition, living with family or friends
can improve their sense of responsibility. Living with family members requires many
obligations such as managing time, abiding rules at home and respecting others.
When such obligations are fulfilled, they are realized realize that it brings about a
good result. For example, my younger brother used to be lazy and selfish when he
lived alone at his apartment. He has changed little by little after he moved
his house to his parents' home. He realized that his punctuality could help him
spend time with his family while his laziness could negatively affect everyone. (example이 있으면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 집안일이나 청소를 당번을 정해서 한다든지, 식사 때가 되면 수저를 놓는다든지 등등... supporting reasons가 빈약해요) In
particular, he became more prompt with time, played his part better and even encouraged
others to be responsible. He also could save his money because he did not need
to buy some products to live products for living such as shampoo at his parents' house. So his getting low salaries was no
problem for him. Without his selection about choice of living with family, he would still
have been irresponsible.
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점수: 20/30
문장 성분을 하나씩 빠뜨리신 경우가 너무나도 잦습니다.
특히 동사가 없는 경우가 대다수입니다.
두개의 reasons은 모두 좋았지만 두번째 바디에서 언급해드린 것 처럼 좀 더 구체적인 예시가 있으면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
그리고 콩클루젼이 없습니다. 기본 스트럭쳐를 반드시 따라주세요!
수고하셨습니다. *^^*