▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that they prefer to
have a high salary risky job. However, there are two reasons why I believe that
it is better to have a job that might have has a low salary but secure job. First,
if you people (에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다) have a high salary, there are more negative effects than positive
effects. Second, even if you have a low salary, there are still ways to have a
stable life.
To
begin with, high salary risky job can lead you to a very serious incident.
Like, If you work at a place where your health is not ensured, it means that
you are even aware of that you might take a chance of dying (run on sentence고 업법상 말이 이상합니다). I personally
consider my safety as the most important factor of a workplace. For example,
let's say that you are working at a factory. Your job plays a very significant
role in the factory. Meanwhile, when you
signed your contract with the company, it said that there might be some risks
that you have to take, which might be very severe (run on sentence이고 왜 영향이 위험성이 큰지에 대한 설명 필요). If you have family members
at home, I would not even consider the job at all. I personally consider my
safety, when choosing my workplace. Even though you get paid very high, if
there is a big chance of dying, I would not recommend this workplace to anyone.
My uncle actually was asked to work at a factory that had a similar option to
this; a high salary, but a very unsafe career. My aunt and uncle talked about
it and they made the decision of not choosing that job yet they needed the job
desperately (run on sentence이고 무슨 말을 하려고 하는지 모르겠습니다).
On
top of that, low salary might be a burden for some people, but through some
solutions, you can overcome the hardship. There are a few things that you can
do as individuals and family in order to get over with the financial issues.
Primarily, the easiest way to get over with a financial problem is to have
another job. As a worker who works for a company , it can be hard. Still, if
you have a time later after you get done with your job, you can do a part time
job. Or, if you have a wife or husband, they can work also! You do not have to
carry big burden. In my opinion, it is way better to work hard and have a safe
and stable life than to take a serious danger of your life. In fact, my cousin
Emma, she works at a company, but gets very low amount of money. To have a
better and enjoyable life, she works at a movie theater after she gets out of
the work. Whenever I talk to her, she says that it is very tiring, but to have
a stable job and safe job, she is content with it.
To
sum up, it is crucial for a person to take a risky job despite the fact that he
or she gets a high pay. I believe that it is much efficient for a person to
work at a place where your health is ensured and you are safe. There are
further more disadvantages than advantages to work at a dangerous place that
gives you a higher pay. In this regard, I think that it is a better choice to
have a low salary secure job. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 전반적으로 에세이가 너무 구어체입니다. 특히 바디2에 가장 보여지고 있습니다. 이유에 대한 설명을 할 때 구어체적으로 썻습니다. 에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하면 안되는데 바디 2에서 모든 부분을 you를 사용 하셨습니다. 담번에 에세이를 쓰실 때에는 좀더 에세이 형태로 서술 하시길 바랍니다. 다만 문법적오류는 첫 번째 부분 빼고는 flow의 방해가 되지않아서 괜찮았습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. |