We can hear some people say that the goal of education is to help people educate themselves. Although this idea is right in some way, I strongly disagree with this opinion. Rather, the purpose of education should aim at helping people educate others. Here I present two reasons to support my thought.
First of all, the idea that education should be to encourage people to educate other people plays a pivotal role to make a better society. It is mainly because the purpose of education is to build better communities rather than make perfect individuals. Furthermore, if people are trying to educate others with their own knowledge and skills, our society will have more possibility to solve various social problems. So called collective intelligence is one of the best examples of this. For example, a project named Codeshare, by collecting people who are willing to share their knowledge and teach others, has been solved numerous social problems such as developing a vaccine that can cure local disease that killed thousands of people in south east Asia region. (훨신 좋은 예시인 거 같습니다 잘 하셨습니다)
In addition, education for others will motivate people to learn more. The reason is that the goal of education lies on selfless motivation rather than selfish desire. A recent survey conducted by Korea National Institute of Education revealed that about 75% of participants who were studying in colleges regarded their purpose of study as contribution to other people and the society. Moreover, 12% of them told that they could sacrifice their educational achievement for others in need. For example, Professor Dolan Sazy at Western University of Australia studied new materials for filtering various type of contaminated liquid for his life. But he realized that all his innovative filters were useless they were not adapted in reality. This thought brought hime to the rainforest of Amazon and there he spent his life learning a tribe’s language and culture and teaching them how to make filters and aqcuire edible water in polluted regions. He told to a reporter from a Australian newspaper that he was happy to share his knowledges with the local people and save numerous people from contaminated water.
For these reasons, I would like to suggest that the purpose of education is not for personal success but for helping others succeed, which will lead us to the way of building a better society.
확실히 구체적인 예시가 명시되어서 더 좋은 에세이가 나온 거 같습니다. 수고 많이 하셨습니다. 앞으로 독립형 에세이를 쓰실 때 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명과 그 설명을 서포트 잘 할 수 있는 예시를 쓰시면 독립형 라이팅 부분에서 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.