Some people think that the twenties is just
a period same similar
with other periods. However, I disagree with this
opinion for two essential reasons. First, people can earn lots of money with
their full energy. Second, people can decide their job in their twenties. In this regard, I believe that
one’s twenties is the most important period. (이 문장은 결론에 적어주세요)
First of all, people have lots of energy to work so they can earned the
most in their twenties. To be specific, in this
materialistic society, money is sometimes
regarded as one’s power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a
loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this society. We
cannot deny the fact that other pleasures of life can be filled by having
enough money. After their twenties, people decrease lose their
energy to work so they will be limited to work.
As a result, the money that will be given by their company would be decreased. For example, there was a survey done by a
business department in Korea with 200
workers who were over 30 years old as respondents.
The 72% answered they were earned the most in their twenties because
they did not get tired so they could work more
than others who were over 30 years old. Also they responded they could not do
the same amounts of work now. For these reasons I think that peoples’ twenties period is the
most important because they can earned
lots of money.
Moreover, people can decide their job that might be last them forever in their twenties.
Many people determine their jobs in their twenties
so they have to endeavor to get a good job. To survive in this world of endless
competition, people ought to continuously strive. In the case of sustaining the
job, everyone is aware that continuing the work until 60 years old is like a
camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. One’s ability can be
clouded by others’ abilities so in order to
stand out, a person must find the first job
and good job in a great first job in his
twenties. For instance, I have sister who never stop is still learning even if
she is 28 years old. She wants to be a government employee since it can
continue her job she can still work there until
she became becomes 65 years old. For
the test, she still studies in her twenties. (굳이 또 안 적으셔도 될 것 같아요) In this regard, I learned that in one’s in twenties, choosing a job is
important for the future.
To sum up, I think that one’s twenties is important it is important
the period one’s twenties because the twenties people can earn lots of money and decide their job in that period. Consequently, making acquiring jobs and earning money
is are the general rule of thumb for
their future.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
16 |
Overall
Comment: |
전체적으로 문법 오류가 매우
많습니다. 가장 많이 하신 오류는 comma사용에 있으셨어요. 문장을 나눠야 할 때 안 나누고, 이어줘야 할 때 나눴던 경우가 많습니다.
같은 말을 반복적으로 적으시는 것도 있으신데, 주의하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
|