Some people think that schools should spend money on extracurricular activities for students than on improving student meals. However, in my opinion, a school should invest more to enhance what students eat. This is because firstly, having a good meal improves study efficiency of students, and secondly, extracurricular activities are not important for all students at a school.
To begin with, having a good quality of meals is one of the most important factors when it comes to strengthening study ability. This is because a good quality of meals enhances students’ ability to concentrate of concentration. A study conducted by a group of education majors has shown that what students eat at a school have great influence on their concentration focusing on their works. The researchers performed the survey (설문조사입니다, 여기에서는 experiment (실험) 을 쓰시는 것이 좋겠어요) with two groups of students, the first group was given a good quality of meals and the second group had just normal meals. The researchers found that the first group did focused on their study more and study studied longer than the second group did. In addition, the first group made had better results in their exams of the grades.
On top of that, it is true that food is a basic requirement that people need every day. On the other hand, extracurricular activities are not necessarily practical for every student. To be specific, some students do not want to participate to do extra activities on campus. I will take my personal experience as an example. When I was in a high school, my school put a lot of effort into extracurricular activities for students. However, for me and some of my friends, the activities were not helpful because we did not have enough time to do the activities. Because there were many students who disliked the activities aside from us, my school ended up abolishing many of the extracurricular activities and it was just a waste of time and money.
To sum up, a better quality of food helps students focus on their study better and improving extracurricular activities does not help a lot of students. In this regard, I strongly believe that it is better for school to spend money on making better meals for students.
Score: 25
Comments:
- 전체적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 사소한 문법 실수들이 있습니다. good quality of meals (X) meals of good quality (O) 그런데 사실상 good quality를 형용사로 보고 good quality meals로 쓰실 수 있습니다. 가장 자연스러운 표현입니다.
- 제시하신 이유가 적절하고 설명이 굉장히 잘 되어있습니다.
- 첫번째 본론에서 survey로 쓰신 것이 많이 아쉽네요, 주의해서 써주세요.