▶ Your Answer : some people might say that commercial is not primary cause of unhealthy eating habits. However,in my opinion, advertisement has a huge impact on eating habits especially unhealthy one. There are two reasons. First, people tend to make bad habits when they are exposed to it frequently frequent marketing. Second, advertisement is usually emphasis usually emphasizes on product's merits rather than disadvantages. To begin wih with, advertising has a great impact on people (바디의 첫 번째 부분이기때문에 어떠한 영향이 있는지를 구체적으로 서술하는 것 이 좋을 거 같습니다). A wide variety of people including the old, the child, the man, the woman are exposed to diverse commercial in a daily life. When they watch or listen about the unhealthy food frequently, they are easy to bring it in mind and it leads to make bad habits are easily captivated and consume unhealthy food. For instance, I will talk about my cousin's case. She is very interested in watching baseball games on television. Whenever she watches it, the Burger King's advertisement is always broadcasted broadcast together. So she tends to order it every night. According to her, even she has enough dinner, it stimulates her appetite again. Therefore, she is always overeating and eat unhealthy food because of the daily advertisement. overeats unhealthy food. 일단 너무 연관성이 없는 것에 너무 집중해서 서술한 거 같습니다. 예시를 서술하실 때 어떠한 부분에서 이러한 광고가 사람들에게 안좋은 영향을 주는지에 대한 설명이 더 필요 해보이는 단락인 거 같습니다. On top of that, advertising exists to sell products. To sell products, they focus on the advantages of it rather than its shortcoming. They can introduce their unhealth food like using great ingredients unhealthy food as if it uses good ingredients. For instance, there was a survey conducted by a advertisement marketing majors, with 200 housewives as respondents. The purpose of the survey is to understand their thoughts about the advertisement's objectivity. A majority of respondents replied that they are inclined to be partial when they introduce their products. Housewives usually realized that is was not true after long time's passed. This survery survey shows that we have a significant chances to be exposed unhealthy food like great things. Misconcept of it make us consume Misconception leads people to consume bad food. To sum up, having power of influence and being partial when they give information in consideration, advertisement sufficiently bring about unhealthy habits. I strongly agree with this statement. Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 전반적으로 문제가 된다라고 생각하는 부분이 두 개가 있습니다. 일단 첫 번째 부분은 전체적으로 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 문제점은, 전반적으로 각 바디들의 핵심내용이 뭔지 모르겠습니다. 이 뜻은 전체적으로 어떠한 것을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이유를 구체적으로 설명하지 않는 거 같고. 그냥 표면적으로만 살짝 건든다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 좀 더 이유를 서포트하는 설명들이 필요해보입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |