▶ Your Answer :
I think that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. we invent many methods of technology for our convenience. Also, the destroyed environment can be solved by technological development. 인트로에는 좀 적절치 않는 구조 인거 같습니다. 훅도 없고 상대방의 의견이 없습니다. 이러한 서술방식은 독백에 더 가깝습니다 독립형 에세이 보다는 말입니다
To begin with, the technology of development can prove that people have been not satisfied are not satisfied with their life. Because, the past people may fully satisfy the era, they did not necessary to invent new technology.(이 부분은 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 건가요?? 좀 구체적인 설명이 필요해 보입니다) We know that technology makes how convenient our life provides convenience. For example, an automobile made more convenient our life. We can now comfortably get to our destination by car. In the past, people would not have enjoyed such comfort if they had tried to travel. Therefore, the human activity made the Earth a better place to live by using technology.
On top of that, our society has much technological knowledge. Scientists are still updating the technology in order to solve damaged environment. The scientists warn important ways to prevent environmental pollution. In order to do so, they have invented many devices such as the hybrid car to avoid contamination of the environment. This car prevents more release less exhaust gas than a normal car Such car releases less gas to the air. This effect leads to people realizing the seriousness of environmental pollution and synchronizing attention this environment the seriousness of environmental problems and synchronizing attention.
To sum up, the technology of development can bring satisfied satisfy people’s life solve earth's pollution makes the Earth a better place to live. Fair: 17~23 점수 : 17 일단 전반적으로 문법적인 오류들이 많습니다. 문법적 오류들이 너무 많기 때문에 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있습니다. 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있다라는 설명은 이러한 오류 들 때문에 이 에세이가 무슨 말을 하려고 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 문법적인 부분에 있어 서 더 주의 하면서 서술하시는 것이 추천드립니다. 전반적인 아이디어나 예시는 좋기 때문에 문법이 좋아지면 더 좋은 점수를 받을 수 잇을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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