▶ Your Answer :
I agree with the statement that humans have given rise to negative
impacts on the earth. It is obvious that humans have developed something
convenient such as cars, buildings and factories etc. Nevertheless, vastly
negative consequences have appeared owing to the development. What are the most
serious problems the development has caused is that it has devastated the
environment and brought lots of health problems.구조적으로 적절치 않는 인트로인 거 같습니다. 인트로 구조에서는 훅이 있고 상대방의견과 본인의 의견이 나오는데 너무 처음 부터 본인의 의견을 명시한 거 같습니다.
To begin with, the development by humans has caused the environmental
devastation. This is why ruined ecosystem has been found by scientists. To be
specific, all the creatures and the nature have been are destined to live together.
However, humans ignored it, destroyed immeasurable trees and even got rid of
small-sized parks in some cities to erect buildings. They believed that it
would be the staple of their city or their county and they could live in a urbaner
city but the result which they had never expected occurred. The animals in the
nature have lost their habitats and what is worse is that the number of the
creatures decreased because of the indiscriminate destruction.
On top of that, humans have brought a bunch of health problems to
themselves. No doubt there are various kinds of pollution since the development
of technology has been emerged. As far as the pollution is concerned, it is
seemed seems that factory is the one of the reason by which the nature has been
polluted. Making something to live with, it cannot help emitting toxic gas in
the air and oil which cannot be processed in the river. As a result of the
pollution, people have suffered from cancer, skin and respiratory
diseases. Really, in my country, the air pollution is so severe that people
cannot breathe freely without a mask to protect themselves from the polluted
air. In addition, people could not breathe fresh air and drink clear water
anymore in the future.
Anyone can
see, the problem that the earth has faced is somewhat horrible that humans have
spawned environmental devastation and lots of health problems. As we are meant
to live with the nature, we are obliged to find the way to alleviate this
situation. The more we respect the nature, the more happiness it would bring to
us. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 전체적인 면에 있어서는 아주 매끄럽게 에세이를 서술하셨습니다. 하지만 아쉬운 부분이 여러개 있습니다. 아쉬운 부분이 뭐냐면 전반적으로 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 문법적 오류들을 둘 째치고 가장 문제가 되는 것이 반복되는 문장이나 불필요한 문장이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들을 꼭 조심하시길 바랍니다. 또한 인트로에 구조가 적절치 않게 서술하였습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 고쳤으면 좋겟습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |