▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, physical exercise plays a significant role in people's daily lives. Some people think that physical exercise is more important for older people than younger people while others think differently. Both sides may have thier own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose, I would say that physical exercise is particularly important for older people. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, physical exercise is more neccesary necessary for older people than younger people because it can help them to socialize with others. Unlike young people who regularly go to school or work in a company, older people do not have many chances to mingle with others. When they get chances to socialize with others, it can contribute to an increase of in overall happiness. For example, my mother often felt depressed thinking that her life became exhausting routine. After she was retired, she spent the whole day taking care of house chores. Fortunately, she was able to deal confronted with such stress after she joined a dacing dancing club. In particular, she enjoyed dancing while she socialized with other people in the club. By doing so, she could let off leave some steam. Without this experience, her life would still have been depressed.
In addition, physical exercise can be helpful for older people because it can help them to live longer. For instance, Tokyo university research team found a huge difference between twor two groups of people in their sixties. The first group consisted of those who did exercise on a daily basis and the other group did not exercise at all. The researcher found that the former had a higer higher resistance to diseases than the latter. In particular, the first group tended to have normal weight without serious ilinesses illness. On the other hand, the second group tended to be overweight and develop various adult diseases such as diabetes and hypertension. This implies that doing exercise is the key to physical health for older people. 너무 구체적인 설명없이 예시로 넘어간거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적인 설명이 필요해보입니다.
All things considered, the advantage of physical exercise for older people far outweigh that of physical exercise for younger people for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of doing physical exercise cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness for the older people. Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 문법적인 오류들이 있습니다. 특히 문법적 오류들이 피할 수 있었던 오류였습니다. 철자적 오류는 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후 proofreading을 하게 되면 고쳐지게 됩니다. 따라서 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후 꼭 proofreading을 하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째 바디까지는 잘 서술하였지만 두 번째 바디 부분에서 문제가 보입니다. 바로 구체적인 설명없이 너무나 빠르게 예시로 넘어갔습니다. 구체적인 설명을 꼭 해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |