▶ Your Answer : All of them seem
important for conservation of nature (이 부분이 틀린이유는 all of them이 무엇인지 명확하게 설명이 되어있지않습니다 구체적으로 이 것들이 뭐인지를 설명이 필요합니다). However, I firmly believe that the
government should make more laws to reduce the amount of pollutants produced by
large companies and industries. I feel this way for two main reasons which I
will explore in the following essay. First of all, pollutants do much harm to the envrionment harm environment. Chemicals
and wastes released from factories negatively affect the surroundings and
animals and plants that live within that area the surrounding living organisms. Furthermore, amount of chemicals
produced by factories is increasing has been increased radically as industry grows and chemicals
released into water or air can travel far distance, and influence broad regions.Companies
lack the will to solve environmental problems they are causing because they
believe that they can still profit even if they are imposed with fines by
current laws. Thefore Therefore the government has to make more strict laws to implement
policies that implies stronger regulation and higher fines to make those
companies aware of environment problems they might be causing.
Secondly, environmental problems can deteriorate people’s
health. Microdust produced from east coast China is a compelling example of
this. China has most of its industrial factories along the east coast and Chinese
laws do not have any regulation against microparticles released from factories.
As a result, high level of microdust travels with wind to South Korea and
affect people. A research done by Hospital of Seoul National University shows
that the number of people coming to hospital with respiratory symptoms has been increasing increased in correlation to with microdust level in the air. (볼드체부분은 말이 되는 문장인지요..)
In conclusion, I think that the government should make
environmental laws. This is because pollutants produced from large complanies
can harm environment and because it can eventually have negative impact on
people’s health. Fair:17~23 점수: 20 일단 전반적으로 내용면에 있어서 구체적인 설명이 부족해보입니다. 특히 이러한 부분은 인트로와 두 번째 바디에서 가장 크게 나타납니다. 두 번째 바디에서는 구체적인 설명없이 너무나 빠르게 예시로 넘어간 거 같습니다. 이렇게 서술하는 것 보다는 구체적인 설명을 명시하시고 에세이를 서술하시는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 문법적 오류들이 많으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인 해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |