▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that it is not better to have a low salary job that is secure than to have a high salary job with a high salary that can be easily lost. However, I personally disagree with the idea above idea for the following two subsequent reasons. First, having a job that is risky can be stressful because people’s life can be unstable. Second, it can be hard for people who have a job with high salary to have good relationships with their family. First of all, people with risky jobs may become stressed because of their unstable life. it can be stressful that people have a risky job because of their unstable life. To be specific, people who have a job that is secure can make a plan for their living cost easily. , on On the other hand, people who have a job that is risky cannot. Therefore, the latter will be afraid of spending money, and will also become stressed out. According to a research done by the Economy Institute of US, 80% of the respondents who have a secure job answered that they have been are satisfied with their life, which is a big difference with that of the people who have a risky job (여기에 통계적인 내용을 하나 추가해주시는게 좋을 것 같아요). On top of that, having a job with high salary can hinder the cause a lack of relationship with their(이것도 명확하게 명시해주시는게 좋을 것 같아요) family. Generally, a high salary job tends to be demanding and competitive, so people who have a job with a high salary job have difficulties finding a do not have not only have any long vacation but and also suffer from having not enough stamina. As a result, they cannot have any family time. Let me bring up my friend’s story as an example. When she was young, my friend’s father ran his own had had his own business. His salary was high, but he had no time to go on vacation, even in the summer. My friend said that she has never went on a had family summer vacation with her family., She also said that and if her father had more time to rest, her family would have been happier. In conclusion, a high-salary, risky job a job with a high salary that is risky can cause not only many stress of people and but also a lack of relationship between family members. In this regard, I think that having a low salary job that is secure is better than having a high salary job that can be easily lost.
예상점수: 19-22 총평: 일단 문법적인 오류가 너무 많아서 가독성이 매우 떨어집니다. 문장을 쓰실 때 조금 더 직접적으로 쓰시는게 좋을 것 같습니다. 시제오류도 많이 존재해서 이러한 부분도 유의를 하셔서 통일성 있게 쓰시는 연습을 하셔야 할 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다.
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