▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that it is more important for governments to spend money to improve Internet access than to improve public transportation. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two reasons. First, the Internet has been already improved well. Second, it is more essential to invest in public transportation. (이미 밑에서 설명을 하고 있기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없어 보입니다)
First of all, in fact, there's there is (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술할 필요가 없습니다) no need for the government to improve the Internet access. Through the forth industrial revolution, people can access to the Internet from anywhere in tremendous speed. On the other hand, they still have hard time commuting to their works due to the lack of public transportation. So, it is better to develop the public transportation (it is better for 라고 하셨는데 어느 부분에서 명확히 transportation에 발전 시켜야 하는지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다). According to a report done by Korean Information Department, the average Internet speed has been tripled just in 5 years. They also said that this speed is fast enough that most of the people will not have any of the hassle in 3 years (이 부분을 통하여서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 설명이 필요해 보입니다). This indicates that the government do not have to invest money in the Internet.
Moreover, spending money to improve on improving public transportation is more essential. Since the Internet has been used to advertise and convey information of certain companies, it has been given a lot of investment from many companies (어느 부분에서 회사들이 투자를 더 하게 됬는지에 대한 명확하게 서술할 필요가 있습니다 간접적으로 얘기하는 것 보다는 집적적으로 무슨 부분이 어떻고 이렇다 라는 것이 독립형 에세이에서는 가장 필요합니다). On the contrary, there is no other way for developing public transportation if there is no government's support. For instance, the Chinese city Tianjin knew the importance of the government's support to public transportation, and they redistributed their budget. They cut the investment in the Internet and turned the Internet service into private company to increase the budget to public transportation. After five years, the result was surprising. The average commuting time in Tianjin city was decreased dramatically, and also the quality of the Internet service increased. This was because it had intrigued the competition between companies to make better service.
In conclusion, the Internet has been improved a lot and it is more essential to invest money in public transportation. In this regard, the government should spend money to improve public transportation.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 이 에세이에서의 가장 큰 문제점은 설명을 모호하게 하고 있습니다. 명확하게 어떤 부분에서 이러한 부분이 있다 라고 명확하게 제시하는 것 보다는 그냥 이렇다 라고 끝내는 경우가 많습니다. 이렇기 때문에 각 단락을 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지 잘 모르겠을 뿐만 아니라 각 단락에서 이유에 대한 하고자 하는 말이 어떤 것인지를 파악을 못하겠는 듯한 느낌을 주고 있습니다. 따라서 이 에세이에서 가장 필요한 것은 명확하게 자신이 뱉은 부분들을 설명할 필요가 있어 보입니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |