▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is not important for families today to have meal together. However, in my opinion, I personally believe that it is very important to have meal together. It can strengthen bonds between and teach children table manner. for the following two subsequent reasons (to have meal together가 너무 반복적으로 명시되어 있습니다 다른 표현으로 서술하시길 바랍니다) First of all, children should learn table manner through having meal together. They can’t cannot (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) learn it (여기서는 it이 말하고자 하는 대상이 없으므로 명확하게 it이 뜻하는 것을 명시할 필요가 있습니다) in other time because they spent their almost time at outside with friends. But, I have learned table manner through having meal together everyday. I will take my personal experience an example. Last For example, last semester, I took the meal with my friend’s families. I behaved learning from my parents such as taking the spoon after adult took their meal, not speaking during eating food. Friend’s parents praised my perform. On top of that, family could strengthen bonds through having meal together. Recently, most of parents are both work to lead family. There is no time for talk to talk with each other. So, I think that it should promise time for having to have meal together. The survey about time to spend with family was conducted by psychologists of Yonsei University. This have shown shows that 60 percent of respondents answer that longest spending time all days with family is with having dinner to have dinner. These responses also thinks think that it is important for build up strong relationship with their family. In a nutshell, having meal together can make their strong bonds and children can learn table manner. In this regard, I firmly believe that it is very important for families today to have meal together.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 이 에세이에서 부족한 면모는 구체적인 내용입니다. 전반적으로 에세이가 내용이 작습니다. 내용이 작기 때문에 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 지에 대한 의문점이 들게 되는 곳이 많습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 의견을 전달할 필요가 있습니다. 각 단락에서 문법적 오류도 문법적 오류지만 전반적으로 좀 더 자신이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지를 파악할 필요가 있어 보입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 이러한 부분이 꼭 필요해 보입니다. |