■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :A job with more vacation is better than jobs with high salary and less vacation. / agree |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that employees need high wage rather than long vacation. However, in my opinion, it is better to choose occupations with more vacation than those with high salary concerning the importance of having enough time to relieve stress and that of focusing on relationships with friends or families.To begin with, it is crucial to retain the duration of stress outlet. Due to high pressure from work, the period of being able to relieve stress is an extremely prominent factor we have to consider. The more time you have, the more stress can be eliminated. You can go traveling or do many other things throughout vacation. However, if you have a short vacation, there are few things to relieve your stress effectively. Therefore, you would return to work with continuing stress. There was a poll conducted by the employment center with employee as respondents. The majority of people replied that they prefer long term for rest rather than high salary. This is because they can relieve stress better during a long vacation. This shows that it is important for employees to get enough time for stress outlet. On the top of that, we can concentrate on human relationships with close people during extended vacation. The rapport with family or friends is much more important than work or money. This is because it is one of the essential factors to satisfy your whole life. Gaining high salary makes you happy for now, however, given that there will be no one with you instead of money in the future, it is important to get a long vacation for enhancing relationship. Take myself as an example. I was in a company that had a short vacation. Instead, I could earn high salary. However, I gradually lost my friends since I had no time to mingle with them. So now, though I have enough money to go on a trip with friends, there is no one who could join. Also, I have a scarce time to travel. This indicates that focusing on human relationships should be prioritized in life. |
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점수: 19/30
1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. 레이아웃이 어지럽습니다. 문단 구조를 확실히 잡아주세요. (엔터 키)
4. conclusion이 없습니다. 완성되지 못한 에세이가 된 상태입니다. 마무리까지 꼭 잘해주셔야 합니다.
3. 마지막을 also로 끝내는 것 보다는 therefore, hence와 같은 마무리 짓는 느낌의 연결어를 사용해주세요.
4. 문법에서는 관사 사용에 주의해주세요. (a, an, the) vacation 앞에 항상 a를 붙여주세요. (the와 소유격이 아닌 이상)
그리고 시제도 꼼꼼히 체크해주세요.
5. 두 번째 문단 example은 잘 잡으셨습니다. 디테일이 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*