▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that being able to work working with other people is not more critical that it was before than the past. However, in my
opinion, it is better to work with other people than work alone. Through
objective speculation, I decided to agree with the topic for two reasons.
First, it is who you know, not what you do that makes you succeed. Second, people
can relieve their stress with working together. for the following two subsequent reasons. (이미 밑에서 다 설명 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 이렇게 장황하게 이유들을 설명할 필요가 없습니다.)
To begin with, in the past, people can succeed
easier than now, because there were many resources. However, "It is who
you know, not what you do that makes you succeed" The meaning of success
has completely changed compare to the past. in comparison to the past If it was merely focusing focused on one's
on way and excelling others, now it is different. Along with your own ability,
it is crucial to be recognized by others and have followers. In this sense, working
with people can help to succeed. For example, Steve Jobs, the one of the most
famous CEOs, is known as an innovative and intelligence person. However, was it
possible that he could succeed without help from any others? The answer will be
no. (독립형 에세이에서는 의문형 문장을 서술하면 안됩니다) Everyone is aware that succeeding is like a camel passing through the eye
of a needle nowadays. Also, Steve Jobs founded his company with his close
friends and they struggled with running company as well as Steve Jobs. This
example clearly illustrates that to be success, being able to work with other
people is critical. 일단 다른 사람과 같이 일하는 것과 성공하는 것에 대한 개연성이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 어떤 특정한 일 때문에 사람들이 성공하는 지에 대한 설명도 없을 뿐더러 예시 또한 관계가 많이 부족한 거 같습니다
In addition, people can relieve their
stress by working with other people. People are living in a busy and hectic life,
they are under great pressure. Therefore, having the outlet for stress has
meaning in itself, since is help people regain energy and to find the strength
to go on. People have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It will
help them get back on track by working with other people. For instance, when I
worked in former company, my team members and I did so many projects every until
night. Through there were a lot of things we have to do, but I can feel relaxed
and comfortable thanks to my team members. We helped and encouraged each other
whenever someone feels tired and exhausted. It has such a huge influence on me
that working with other people makes me feel happy.
To sum up, to be success, being able to
work with other people is critical. Moreover, working with other people relieve
me stress. In this regard, I firmly believe that being able to work with other
people is more critical than it was before for the reasons I mentioned above.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 이 에세이에서의 큰 문제점은 개연성 부족입니다. 첫 번째 단락이나 두 번째 단락 모두다 이유 설명 예시들이 따로 논다는 느낌이 듭니다. 따로 논다는 느낌이 들기 때문에 전반적으로 설득력이 많이 부족합니다. 설득력이 부족하기 때문에 이 에세이를 통해서 본인의 의견이 무엇인지를 정확하게 설명이 되어 있지 않습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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