■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : The most important thing the governments can do to improve health care is keeping the environment clean. |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people think that the governments
should keep the environment clean in order to improve health care, while others
do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. However,
in my opinion, the most important thing the governments can do to improve
health care is keeping the environment clean. The clean environment can improve health
care as it can strongly encourage people to decide to exercise and take care of
their health voluntarily. If government make the environment clean, the
atmosphere and place for daily exercises such as jogging, strolling and playing
light sports can be fostered. The prepared environment tends to stimulate
people to try to manage their health with their own willpower. For example,
there was a park which was extremely dirty nearby my neighborhood. Lots of
people threw away their trash everywhere, the toilets were very old so the
locks of doors were broken and there was no cleaners to clean the park.
Understandably, nobody wanted to exercise there. However, the local government
started the cleaning project to change the park. The government furnished
benches for rest, provided wastebaskets for trash, modernized the toilets and
engaged some cleaners who cleaned the park every morning. After the renovation,
people started to gathering at the park. I looked forward to going for a walk
and playing badminton at the clean and neat place every afternoon. As I kept exercising
by my own will, my chronic asthma was alleviated and I could solve my obesity
problem. If the local government had not exercised the cleaning project, I would
have not decided to exercise there, which means I could have not had any health
benefits.
In short, I strongly believe that the
advantage of cleaning the environment far outweighs that of other choices for
the reason I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of the voluntary
exercise resulting from the clean environment cannot be overestimated in life.
Fair: 17~23 점수; 21 하나의 단락을 서술하여도 좋지만 하나의 단락을 서술하기 위해서는 간결하게 자신이 말하고 자 하는 것 만 말하면 좋습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 너무 장황합니다. 불필요한 정보들 까지도 들어가있습니다. 따라서 이렇게 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신의 의견을 전달할 수 있는 두 개의 단락으로 서술하는 것이 더 효율 적입니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |
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근거가 도저히 하나밖에 생각 나지 않아서 일단 본문 1개로 작성했습니다. 본문 한개도 괜찮을까요?