▶ Your Answer :
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether teenagers to
combine work with their studies or not teenagers should combine work with their studies (동사를 넣어주어야 합니다). It may seem true that teenagers have to
focus on study; however, with in-depth analysis the statements seem rather too
far-fetched (한 쪽 주장만 말하고 다른 부연 설명은 안해도 좋을 거 같습니다). Although people may hold different ideas and opinions, I
personally support the idea that working and studying together on account of
two reasons: able to gain experiences and build economic senses. for the following two subsequent reasons. (이미 뒤에서 설명을 하기 때문에 굳이 인트로 부분에서 두 이유를 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, teenagers can learn something from working as a part-time or in weekend teenagers can learn valuable knowledge (항상 시작 부분은 간결하게 서술할 필요가 있습니다). Most of parents and teachers stretch their opinion saying that studying academic field is substantial Many people argue, one only needs to focus on studying (지금 이 부분은 본인의 의견을 반박하는 것이기 때문에 간결하게 본인의 의견을 표현 하는게 좋습니다). However, only reading a book is the way to getting to get information indirectly. In contrast, by working By working (더블 부정적인 표현은 좋지 않습니다), students can gain some experience that they cannot obtain reading the books. For example, I worked as an art teacher when I was high school student. I taught 5 years old children how to draw every Saturday morning and earned small amount of money. At the beginning, it was hard to wake up in the weekend to make a class. Also (문장 시작할 때는 also를 사용하면 안됩니다), I had to make a time to prepare for the class even it was only 20 minutes class. Through this experience, I learned the importance of responsibilities which made me better person right now (불필요한 which절입니다). On top of that, from work experience, teenagers can build up economic sense from early age. teenagers can learn the value of economy Since most of parents are supporting support their children, it is difficult to let their children know how hard it is to make money. Also, letting teenagers to work would help them to prevent excessive consumption since they recognize the value of money (앞 문장과 반복이 되는 거 같습니다). For example, there was a poll conducted by Gallup, with 200 teenagers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view of teenagers using money. The majority of respondents replied that they could accumulate economic concept value(적절한 단어가 아닙니다) through working experiences. Overwhelming of 80% teenagers had responded that they were able to recognize the value of money. This survey proves that teenagers have positive views to combine work with their studies. in combining work with studies. To sum up, combining work and study would help teenagers to gain not only experiences which are not obtainable only through studying (which절이 불필요합니다) but also, build economic senses. In this regard, I firmly believe that it would be good for students to blend combine (적절한 단어가 아닙니다) study and work.
점수: 22 위에서 설명이 된 것 처럼 이 에세이에서 나타나는 부족한 부분은 불필요한 which절과 적절하지 않는 단어들이 많습니다. 에세이를 서술할 때 중요한 단어가 뭐고 문장 속에서 어떤 필요한 단어가 들어가야하는 지를 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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