It is debatable whether when filmmakers
make movies that are based on books, people should read the book first or watch
the movie first If filmmakers make movies based on books, different opinion exists regarding with people reading book first and watching films (지금 이 표현이 자신이 말하고 싶은 훅을 잘 표현 하고 있는 거 같습니다). This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning
this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my
opinion, however, I support that watching movie first is better for the
following reasons.
First of all, people should not read the
book first to avoid adding pressure on their already busy schedule reading book previously can become a burden (항상 첫 단락의 첫 문장은 간결하게 입니다). To be
specific, reading the book before watching the movie consumes a lot of time and
energy, which makes people tired and inefficient (불필요한 which절입니다). Many people today are busy
with their life full of tasks and responsibilities. They can successfully
multitask and stay focused at the same time only if they keep a balance in
their daily lives. To illustrates, Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft,
made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he learned to
manage a tight schedule and prioritize important matters. He did this by always
trying to find a balance between work and play. Therefore, this proves that
people, nowadays, should watch the movie first in order to effectively manage
their time. (예시가 전혀 개연성이 없습니다. 지금 이 이유에 대한 예시는 요즘 한국 학교들이 경쟁 상황에 직면 해 있다 그러니 책을 먼저 보고 영화를 또 보는 것은 시간 낭비가 될 수 있으니 책을 보는 것은 좋지 않는 선택인거 같다라고 하는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다)
In addition, people should only watch the
movie, because watching the movie without reading the book brings economic
benefits. To be specific, watching movie without reading the book creates
opportunities for people not to buy the book, which as a result allows people
to secure financial stability. It is undeniable in modern society that saving
money is an important source for people to maintain a living. For instance,
according to a study done by the Korea Times, it revealed that, from 2012 to
2015, people who didn’t read the book before watched the movie saved more money
and were more wealthy than the people who did. This was because people who don’t
read the book which is related with the movie invest in their wealth like
stock, etc. Thus, it is legitimate to say that it is economically good for
people to watch the movie not to read the book related.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is
more beneficial to watch the movie and not to read the book. All things
considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been
effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never
should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 22
일단 첫 번째 단락의 예시는 개연성이 하나도 없습니다. 전혀 필요없는 예시가 되었습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 불필요한 부연 설명이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들을 주의하시길 바랍니다. 또한 독립형 에세이를 서술 할 때에는 줄인말을 쓰면 안됩니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.