▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, whether it is traveling in their country or other country, it benefits people in many ways. Some people argue that it is better to trip on their country, while others think oppositely. Both sides may have their own reasons. If I had to choose one, I strongly believe that traveling in my country is better for the following two reasons.
To begin with, when people travel in their country, they can save a mount of money people can save a lot of money. Since people can drive their car, they do not have to take flight which is much more expensive. With saved money, they can spend it with more delicious foods and more luxury hotels. For example, when I was 15 years old, my family planned a trip on Paris on vacation. We spent one-third of budget in order to buy buying four flight tickets. Therefore, we should have stayed in motel was too small and not organized had to stay in hotel that was small and not organized. For this reason, we could not happy with the travel. If we had traveled Korea instead, we would have spent more money staying better place.
On top of that, because people meet others in their country during the trip, they can widen their personal connections people can meet different kinds of people(이 부분은 외국에서도 느낄 수 있다라는 느낌이듭니다). If people travel abroad, even they could make friends, they hardly can impact on each others directly. For example, when my younger sister graduated from college, she had difficulty in finding a job. Due to the recession, numerous job candidates were suffering. Fortunately, the one of the her friends who she met in traveling in Seoul provided her with job position as an executive of human resource department in Samsung. Without assistance with personal connections, she would still have been a job seeker (지금 이 예시는 개연성이 없고 오히려 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 지금 이 에세이는 국내를 여행하는것이 좋냐 인데. 지금 명시 된 예시는 전혀 관련이 없습니다)
In a nutshell, people are likely to save money for trip and widen human relationship in traveling in their country rather than in other countries. Therefore, the advantages of domestic travel far outweigh those of abroad trip. All things considered, I firmly believe that it is more beneficial to go on a trip .
점수: 21 일단 문법적으로 틀린 부분들이 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제를 벗어 났기 때문에 이 예시를 통하여서 하고 자 하는 말이 무엇인 지 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 주제와 개연성이 있는 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |