▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that students participating club activities and attending academic courses are equally beneficial. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, classes expands our knowledge that students could enlarge their vision. Second, a focus on academic courses makes a person to be more competitive in the job market. (이미 밑에서 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다. 인트로는 간결하게 자신의 의견이 이러하다 만 전달하면 좋습니다)
Firstly, classes enable students to view things in various perspective. Academic courses are opportunities attempting students to gain new ideas and concept. good opportunities for students to gain new ideas and concepts This opportunities promote students to earn a lot of knowledge in a effective way. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. Through For example, through (let me bring up!은 구어체입니다. 에세이에서는 에세이 표현에 맞는 문장들을 서술해야 합니다) the mathematical courses, I have achieved various perspectives and the meaning of the formula. Without the class, I should not managed to get these idea.(따라서 마무리 부분에서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?)
Secondly, graduates who studied hard are highly demanded in the job market. This is because, students with better grades usually have high expertise in the each of their fields. According to a study done by UCC, it reveals in which 70% of companies expect personnel with high grades and expertise knowledge. Thus, academic courses are superior to club activities in the job market.
In conclusion, students who have worked on studies are advantageous in acquiring wide perspective and meeting a requirement of companies. In this regard, I disagree with club activities are equivalent to academic courses
점수: 18 내용이ㅣ 너무 부족합니다. 구체적인 설명이 많이 없는 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 얼마나 에세이가 다른 사람들에게 설득력 있게 자신의 의견을 주장할 수 있나 인데. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 너무 설득력이 없기 때문에 구체적인 설명이 더 필요해 보입니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. .
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