피플의 자유가 침해될수 있는가? ps/ 30분의 압박이 정말 크네요 ㅠ 다른 분들은 그냥 쭉 막힘없이 쓰시나봐요ㅠ; 개요짜는데만 5분 넘게 걸리니 시간이 너무 부족해요 ㅠ 귀찮으시다면 밑줄친 부분이라도 꼭 봐주세요!! |
In today's world, the society is changing toward more individualism than ever before, from west countries to asian countries, which means people require more freedom. When we consider less 200 years ago about a slavery system it must be the surprising change. However, like everything else, this change has entailed a problem between people's right and public order. In my opinion, I strongly agree that sometimes people's freedom should be limited in that this is need to control the society for protecting them as well as increase most member's happiness.
1) west countries -> western countries 2) This is a surprising change when we consider the slavery system of less than 200 years ago. 대명사(This)는 지칭하는 대상과 가까운 쪽에 놓아 주는 것이 문장을 클리어하게 해줍니다. 3) in that this is need to control -> in order to control 4) for protecting them -> and to protect them 5) most member's happiness -> the happiness of the majority
First of all, even though people's freedom is the important right in democratic, in certain cases it should be refreined to control the society. To illustrate, if everyone demand only their benefit blindly, the society will be confusing. In 70's and 80's of South Korea, there were often huge strikes. Altough a strike were ensured by a law, sometime these became out of contol, finally violent and damaged to the society. At that time, many riot police, demonstrator, and citizen hurted, even died. In this case, nobody agree that this is freedom.
6) First of all, even though people's freedom is a very important right in democracy, in certain cases it should be refrained to maintain the society under control. 7) To illustrate, -> To illustrate this, 8) everyone demand -> everyone demands 9) the society will be confusing -> the society will become chaotic. (confusing은 의미가 맞지 않습니다. 차라리 confused라고 하셔야겠죠. 하지만 confused도 글의 내용상 어색하네요.) 10) police -> policemen 11) demonstrator -> demonstrators 12) citizen -> citizens 13) hurted -> were hurt 14) , even died. -> , or even died. 15) nobody agree -> nobody would agree
In addtion, in order to realize public happiness, a few people's freedom should be yielded from time to time. As a good example, there is a smoking issue. For a decade many areas have been desigated as non-smoking areas. Some people argue that this is definitely ingringing upon human's right. It is plausible, but when we consider the rest of people who should be defended from secondhand smoking, we should prevent smoker from certain areas.
16) the interests or rights of some people can be limited under certain situations. 17) For a decade -> Since long 18) human's right -> human right 19) prevent smoker from certain areas -> prevent people from smoking in certain areas
To sum up, for maintaining the society as well as public happiness, people's freedom should be limited (in some cases as described above). Therefore, as a member of society, we should realize that when we demand our benifits we shoud consider what our assertion affect to the society.
16) as a member of society -> as members of a society 17) what -> how 18) affect to -> affects
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