Friends are the most important influence on young adults.
마지막 문장 빼는게 낫겠죠?ㅠ 결론 쓸 때 여태까지 한거 정리하고 앞으로 나아갈 방향이나 이런 거 간단하게 제시하는 거 괜찮은가요?? 아 그리고 작문할 때 hanging out 써도 되나요? 토플 수준이면 구어체적인 표현 좀 쓴다고 해서 크게 문제되진 않겠죠?
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Many people said that the period of young adults is very important to their whole life. This is due to the fact that young adults are vulnerable and susceptible to the culture thay belong to. the tragic accident of less than 2 years ago happened in the Unithe States that one student killed a lot of students in his university without any reasons. (이글은 친구에 의해서 얼마나 영향을 받는지에 대한 글이므로 아무 이유없이 친구를 죽였다라는 건 예시가 될 수 없는 것 같습니다. 이것이 단적으로 vulnerable person 의 예라고 해도 친구에게 vulnerable 해야겠죠) From this, we could realize that how vulnerable young adults are. In this sense, I would say that friends that young adults socialize with for most of time are the most important influence on them.
To begin with, everybody would agree that young adluts spend most of time with peers. In particular, high school students spend most of time doing a lot of activities such as study, football, and so on. In my case, when I was in high school, from the morning to night I was always with my peers in school. In this situation, it follows >> was natural that I was easily affected by peers. I became interested in drama, movies, football that is also popular among my peers while getting along with them. Therefore, It is sure that young adults are affected by peers the(생략) most.
In addition, Young adults often make their own culture that is so strong that other people easily join. By this, they feel proud of being members and seperate with others. In this situation, if someone do not accept to join this, the one would be seperated by peers,which causes someone to fail to socialize. It is a very important issue whether young adults successfully socialize. To illustrate this, In Japan, there is some peculiar culture that is called Ijima, which means that peers isolate someone who do not follow their own culture. Someone argue that that kind of childish culture could be easily ignored. However, as we recall the time of our young adults, we would realize how important the childish culture is.
그러한 문화에 끼지 않을 수 없기 때문에 친구들이 중요한 건가요? 좀더 명확하게 주제와 연관시켜 주시는게 좋습니다.
In conclulsion, I strongly agree that friends are the most important influence on young adults because young adults spend most of time with peers as well as even their own childish culture have huge influence on them. Therefore, we should understand the importance of peers to young people and help them not to circumvent to wrong direction. |