Films tell us a lot about a country |
Opinions might be divided over whether films show a lot about a country or not.(많은 사람들이 쓰고있는 너무 정형화된 틀이 아닐까요 조금 paraphrasing 하시는것도 괜찮을 것 같아요.) Some people might think(assert) that themes containing inside the movie tell only a part of the nation due to a film director's limited choice of perspective. I, however, strongly agree with the idea that a country can be revealed through films in many aspects. (앞문장과의 관계를 보여주는 conjunction이 필요합니다.)The culture can be shown through scenes and people gain knowledge on(of, about) history. First and foremost, through diverse stories and scenes, the culture can be shown(앞문단에서 사용된 동일한 표현). Today, by numerous capable movie directors, overflowing movies express the life styles and cultural rituals through a well-developed storyline and attractive actors. Of course, movies do not reveal everything about the country in all aspects(같은 단어의 반복). However, since the storyline(반복) consists of happenings at a particular theme, the culture is(has) been notified. For example, I know some foreign friends who have never visited my country, Korea. They were somehow ignorant of what values were considered high in Korean society. However, it was not until they have watched one Korean movie that provided information on a male dominance(male-dominated) society that allowed them be aware of Korean society. Because Korea has been an agricultural society(반복->대명사로 전환가능할 것 같아요) where males go out for work(labor) on the field and females only stayed at home for house tasks, the male dominance in society have not been changed drastically yet in the Korean culture. Therefore, when a movie showed how males get promoted faster than females, they(지시대상이 불확실하네요) realized how difficult and closed it is for female to stand out(be succeed) in the society. If it not had been my friends watching movies, they would not have been known about this particular aspect in Korean society.(가정법으로 마무리 하시는건 좋네요, 하지만 마지막의 주장을 강화하는 한문장이 더 있으면 로직이 더 살 것 같아요.) What is more, histories can be taught through films. Nowadays, in order to preserve the country's history visually and permanently, many directors are apt to make films on history-based on its true story. True(Obviously정도의 부사가 어울릴 것 같네요), histories can be distorted or leaned to one side only. However, history films can give historical background by presenting how the nation has been constructed or what wars it had gone through. In addition, the films can also reveal secret stories beyond the happenings or recollect the events in the past. Silmido, one of the popular Korean movies relating a political relationship between South Korea and North Korea is a case in point. The movie is about secret South Korean army soldiers preparing to fight against the North Korean government(regime). Their main role was to kill Kim Il Sung, the former leader of North Korea. By watching this movie, the viewers will(might정도가 어감이 좋을 것 같아요) understand how unstable and confused stage that South Korean government had to deal with the enemy, North Korean government. After all, they will(같은 조동사의 반복) realize that in the past, numerous tries of South Korean people trying to bring the North Korean government down has been taking place. Therefore, it is no wonder that films teach history itself by the storyline that is based on a true story. In conclusion, I agree with the idea that films represent a lot of things about the country including its culture and history for the reasons I have mentioned above.
[Comment] - Amount : 500자 초반대로 이상적입니다. - Balancing : (2:6:6:1) 바디에 비해서 인트로와 결론이 조금 빈약한 것 같군요. - Logic : 두가지 아이디어가 문화와 역사에 대한 정보를 제공한다는 내용으로 겹치는 부분이 있는 것 같아요. 아이디어를 두가지로 나누실때는 확연하게 구분되는 아이디어가 좋습니다. - Specificatoin : 실미도등의 예증이 아주 구체적이라서 좋았어요. 하지만 두가지 바디를 모두 예증으로 전개하셨는데 하나를 통계/나의경험 등으로 바꾸시면 설득력이 높이지겠네요. - Grammar : 수의일치, 시제에서 간혹 실수가 있지만 주의하시면 괜찮을 듯 싶어요. - Paraphrasing : 동사/주어/목적어/형용사 순으로 같은 표현의 반복이 보입니다. 단어의 반복을 피하기 어려우시면 문장형태를 바꿔주시는 노력이 필요할 듯 보이네요. 아마 위의 에쎄이의 경우에서는 로직이 겹치는 것 다음으로 가장 많은 감정요인이 될 것 같습니다. - Grade : 3.8/5.0
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