In this era of (a) rapid social and technological change, leading to greater complexity of society(이 분사구문은 주절과 순서를 바꾸는게 좋을듯 합니다-내용상),
computer
has become one of the most valuable tools to(of) mankind. However, some people think that even though they
acknowledge the importance and the usefulness of computer, they believe that playing computer games is
only a wasteful action for children. So is computer game all that bad?(이건 대화채 인것 같네요-조금 수정요) Personally, I think that computer
games do have certain positive effects on children (because 하시고 thesis statement를 넣으세요)
To begin with(구어적 표현이므로 다른 방법을 써보시는 것도 좋을듯), playing computer games makes children become familar with the uses of computer. (내용상 너무 건너뛰었습니다)It is true that, in many of today's work, computer skill is indispensable; one may need to employ software
systems such as Microsoft word or power point when one prepares for a presentation. In my case, I have acquired the computer skill by playing computer games. In fact, when my father firstly(삭제) bought a computer, I barely knew how to turn on the machine. However, my desire to play games led me to learn about the computer. I did not feel any pressure nor difficulty while learning them. Since I (had) spent considerable amount of time with computer, I was able to know most of functions in computer and also discover my talent in (the)computer skill(s). Thanks to the discovery, I pursued a major in computer science, and now I'm working as a computer engineering that gives me a fine(decent) pay. If It had not been for a computer game, I would(never) have never been able to know that I have(had-가정법과거완료-과거지칭) a great talent in computer technology(skills)
In addition, I believe all games are greatly helpful for children to have a postive attitude towards their goals. From my own personal experience, playing a computer game "Diablo" helped me create "can do" attitude in my life. It might sound a bit silly, but I really worked very hard to make my character to be one of the strongest on in the whole server. I spent almost my whole summer playing the game. My parents and friends severly criticized me for not having done any academic work, however(.However,), It taught me to have such(positive) attitude. Because of that, no matter how difficult situation (is) where I face with(생략), I never give up on anything. I always keep the belief in my mind that If I make my best effort on the thing, it is always possible to acheive what I desire. In this respect, playing computer game greatly helped me have a valuable lesson that is extremely effective in many aspects of my life from keeping relationships to working.-2번 body는 좀 억지스러운 면이 있습니다. 다시한번 주제를 곰곰하게 생각하셔서 써보시면 좋을듯 합니다. 컴퓨터 게임이 교훈을 준건 사실인데 그걸 주장에서 풀어내는 것이 조금 매끄럽지 못한것 같습니다.
Simply put(구어체입니다), there are reasons against and for playing computer games. People often show their concerns over adverse impacts of computer game on children.(조금 어색한 표현들이 숨어있는듯 합니다) However, I believe, especially when we consider the factors such as the computer is undoubtedly a crucial devise(device) in our everyday lives and children can easily learn off(생략) how to use computer, and It generates a "can do" attitude in a wide range of aspects in their lives.(차라리 이부분을 intro다음에 쓰시는게 좋을 듯 합니다)
참고가 되셨으면 합니다. 제가 이 주제로 다시한번 써보겠습니다.. 열공하세요~
It took me 25mins..